No Control

Forgiveness

 William could not believe his ears. 'Elizabeth refused Sir Philip?' He could have sworn to the heavens and back that no man-made Elizabeth smile nearly as much as such a man. Sir Philip was indeed a perfect partner for Elizabeth. He loved the outdoors, gifted her the perfect parcels and brightened her day with a single smile. Whether William be King or not, he could not deny the truth of Sir Philip's perfection as Elizabeth's partner. This perfection is what drove William to throw the £30,000 vase he received as a gift of peace, from the Emperor of China, against the wall. It had shattered and the noise woke the castle. William had to, very harshly, dismiss the massive amounts of servants from attending to William. Their fear for his health was of little concern to him at that very moment. In fact, he would have welcomed death immediately if it had called. Death would be a blessing over the pain he felt as he thought of Elizabeth with another man. Another man who could not be better for her.

His anger had boiled so deep in his veins, he nearly threw the candelabra on his desk at one of his servants. What had stopped him from such a terrible act was Elizabeth. Not her personally, but her thought. He knew she would hear of his actions sometime next morning and come to berate him on his temper. He could not bare the thought of being in such a state and her seeing him. He could not bare the thought of seeing her, happy, with the glow of a bride-to-be. But a day had passed and she had come to see him either way. He had forgotten their meeting or rather tried to. He did not think Elizabeth would need a King's attentions when she was to be wedded and so left her to sit in the garden alone, waiting for him.

But, Elizabeth had refused the proposal. She refused the infamous Sir Philip, no less. William entertained the thought that it might have been because of him, but dismissed it before he was run away with his feelings. Instantly, almost like a wave crashing into him, he remembered his last encounter with Elizabeth. He had been so unkind. So cruel, insensitive, malicious. He cringed at the very memory of his behavior. She had asked him why he had not met in the garden and all he had said was, "This is no emergency. Next time you plan to meet on a front of emergency, make sure it's a real one." And dismissed her.

He planned to hurt her. His mind wanted her to feel the pain he did as she forced herself into his sight. He knew this is what he wanted and that is why he kept to his study. He did not trust himself. But she came to him. He had denied her his company but she had insisted. He denied again and she stated it was an emergency. He was infuriated. But when he said what he did and she gave him the look he craved, regret came immediately. She looked as if she had watched him kill her own father. As if he had slaughtered children by the millions before her very eyes. As if he stole her color from her cheeks without mercy. As if what he had said was to break very fiber of her being. And he had wanted that. He was ruthless and inhuman. He was everything, in that moment, that he had worked so hard to prove to her he was not. He had shown her his compassion and amity that he lacked so greatly. She had taught him the gentler ways of being a ruler. He had become closer with his people over the time she had spent with him. In the past he had been a ruthless and heartless ruler, demanding law. But under her gaze, he softens.

He watched as her perception of him fell apart. All of William, in that moment, wished to hold her and ask forgiveness for his acrimony and selfishness. To tell her that he meant it not and she was all in this world he cared for. He wished he could beg her not to marry Sir Philip even though he was the perfect man for her. But his pride was too strong. Kings do not beg, especially not for women. His father's disapproving voice rang in his ears as he pushed down every thought of atoning for his behavior. This woman, to his knowledge then, was to be married. If he was to lose her, it would be completely.

But, William now knew the truth. Elizabeth was not engaged. William had broken her heart. If he had ever had any sort of chance to create something with her before, he was sure to have ruined it that day. A marriage or even a friendship could never be regained with the way he acted. He had promised her that he would never be so unkind to her but now he had even broken that. And every passing day since then that he had not apologized, it had only deepened the gap he had created between them. Knowing he had created this. That he was the one at fault, burned his very soul. She possessed his heart and he had ripped it from her...himself.