The Beautiful Hummingbird - Part II

The Flask Edit

"Harry, just stop.  That's all very well now but what about in five years time when your friends are having families, how will you feel then?  Cheated, that's how you'll feel and we'll argue and resent each other and probably end up destroying each other.  I couldn't bear that so please, it's best for us to leave this where it is and move on, separately." 

"No!"  The word emanates from him with such force it takes me completely by surprise.  "This is NOT what I want.  I do not understand the fertility issues but I want to and us to face them together.  I want you and me, kids or no kids.  There are so many opportunities for us to explore when the time is right.  We can think about adopting and if we decide it's not for us, we will move forward together without children. Please, just let me in and let me love you." 

"No." I shake my head in defiance.  "You have to tell me that you understand why I couldn't ask you to make that choice.  It would have been unfair of me to ask you to do that.  That is why I made the choice for the both of us. "   

He snatches his hands away pulling my stare back to him.  His jaw is rigid in frustration.  "God damn it Natasha, go on then leave."  He flicks his wrist out and points towards the exit.  "Walk away from me and my love for you.  Throw away everything that is great, for what? So you can be alone and let grief drive you into the ground.  You're so bloody stubborn, why am I not enough for you?"

"What?"  I puff the word in disbelief.

You heard me.  "Why?"

"Is that what you think?  My God, you are wrong.  Harry, you are everything to me. I just couldn't ask you to make a choice."

"But it isn't your choice to make, it's my choice. Why can't you accept that?  It feels like an excuse." The stress of the last few weeks pours out of him.  His shoulders slump as silent contemplation stretches between us.

"I'm sorry Harry, I've got to go."  I rise with the intention of actually leaving this time. I bend down to pick up my bag but when I return to standing my head starts spinning and I grab hold of the side of the table to steady myself.

Immediately, Harry is on his feet.  His arm wraps around my waist but I try to push away from him.  I keep repeating over and over, "I need to go, Harry, please let me go."

"You're not going anywhere, not without me anyway."

With determined strides he guides us both towards the exit.  Once on the street, he raises his hand to hail a passing black cab.

We sit side by side on the seat but the gap between our legs is glaring.  My hands rest in my lap; Harry's are on his knees.  He looks straight ahead; I stare down at his hands.  We pull to a stop outside my house and the driver slides the glass divider across as Harry leans forward.

"Please can you give us a minute, this is the first stop," he asks politely to the cabbie.

"Sure mate, no problem," the driver replies, turning back round to face the front.

I have no idea what else there is left to say so I open the door and get out.  I walk across the pavement to the front gate but hesitate before I click the cold metal latch to open.  The other cab door slams behind me and I realise that Harry has also got out.  He is not intending on coming in after what he said to the driver. 

I sense him hovering beside the cab, hesitant like me.  He has been so honest with me tonight and I owe him a response to that honesty.  His beseeching words, "please just let me in, and let me love you," wrap guilt around my heart.  I miss him so much. I turn and take three swift steps, coming to stop directly in front of him.

"Thank you for seeing me home." 

I sense him glancing down at me. Being this close, I relish his familiarity and safety. He hesitates before his arms anchor around me.  Stood in our awkward embrace on the pavement, he sways our bodies together.  He caresses his cheek over my hairline as I dissolve into to him.  The whites of our breaths tangle together before disappearing into the cold of the night. 

"You've got a hospital appointment tomorrow.  Please will you let me be there with you, I would like to accompany you," he asks, gently.

How does he know that?  Of course, our diaries are still linked.  I will not deny his request and perhaps coming with me and talking to my doctor will give him the closure he needs.

"Yes, of course," I mumble into his grey tee shirt.

He places a kiss on my hairline, lingering his lips and letting out a sigh.  "Thank you.  I will pick you up from work at 3.30pm."

I relish the warmth that radiates from him but I know I have to go. I turn back towards the gate, my hand the last part of me to leave him.  I walk to the front door and am through it without so much as a backwards glance. I know Harry stands watching me until I disappear inside.  As soon as I close the front door, I hear the cab door slam and it pulls away.