Tons of bricks are heavy on my heart as I assess this "issue".
Can I really call it an issue? If anything I have befriended it. I have made it of somewhat importance to the point where I don't see myself without it. Things are hard to understand in the eyes of others. No one understands me and therefore the reason why I tell no one.
I tell no one so they don't try to pry it away. Just as they all have tried to help me "assess" my "issue". Why force help upon someone screaming not to be helped? You can call it caring, I call it stupidity.
Stupidity and ignorance on the part of others to not listen to someone who is obviously not up for "help". Who directly have been told NO, yet you're stuck on trying.
Why try when you know for a fact that help is indeed not desired, nor will it be received or reciprocated? It's the reason I tried to be a lone wolf, but then feelings got in the way. Lots of feelings of care for these people that I had promised myself not to feel. I vowed I wouldn't have these feelings again, and then I opened my heart to people. Unnecessary feelings that are just going to backfire.
Not because they'll hurt me, rather more I would end up hurting them somehow. And here I am, beginning to hurt as I push away to avoid hurting them worse than the way I'm pushing them away. I'd rather push than vulnerably admit my issue and let anyone into my hurricane of life that would ultimately destroy others in the long run.
Before hurting others, I hurt myself. I don't care if I hurt if it's based on my own self- destruction and egotistical reasons. However egotistical I may get, I will refuse inflicting any sort of suffering on others.
That is why I prefer to turn into a lone wolf. I tried to continue the facade even if it is an act. So stop trying to help those who desire no help. Stop trying to get close to those who push you away. They push for a reason.
