Living For God in a Dorm

Wednesday

I feel like I am spiritually suffocating. I feel like crying out of frustration with myself. I keep disobeying God and I know He isn't pleased. I hear His voice throughout the day, but I still want to please myself. I didn't even read the scriptures again today that I listed the other day. I'm not walking fully in Him like I should be. I feel disappointed with myself because I am supposed to be a spiritual support to my associates, but I can't do that if I'm spiritually weak myself.

Not just on the inside, but I feel so ugly on the outside. I have bags under my eyes which I attribute to cross country practice and strenuous exercise. I should be ashamed for even mentally comparing myself to other people's appearances. But, I'm just now realizing how ugly I look in pictures – my huge forehead. I feel so hideous. My smile even feels ugly. Yes, the smile that I share with everyone. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I am giving a smile to too many people, because I smile at almost EVERY SINGLE PERSON I encounter each day. Even if they smile back, I'm starting to see that not every person genuinely appreciates my offer of friendliness.

This reminds me of the dream I had last night. In it there was a campus shooting that took place in a classroom. In the classroom there were auditorium style seats and white walls. The shooter was a white kid with blonde hair who I had seen at Bible Class last night. He shot the people on the first row of the classroom and then while everyone, including me, tried to hide in the seats in the back. For some reason, I made eye contact with him. Then he shot me. Twice.

I died. But for some reason, even though I knew I was dead, I could still hear people's voices. They were talking about me. Some of them were talking in a positive way, but a lot of them had negative things to say. One guy spoke up and said he didn't want people to think I was such a good person. He wanted them to know that I had flaws and many of them. Then more people started to say negative things. That's when I woke up. The people I was cordial with in real life were the very people I could never imagine talking bad about me. But they were.

I feel like God is trying to tell me something because I have been thinking about my dream all day. I know that not everyone will like my positivism. I can't force them to like me either. I have to remember to stay focused on why I am here in college. I have to graduate with good job offers and entry into law school. I have to remain focused on that and on God.

In order to focus, one has to concentrate. I couldn't concentrate in class. Today I wrote a letter about this guy that I have been in "love" with since summer 2014 - back when he and I talked on and off. Writing didn't help me get rid of the feelings. In fact, they are still here and I can't spiritually shake them.

Then, there's my close friend girl. She is having problems with one of our mutual friends. She talks about her everyday. I am starting to see how much people can gossip about one person they are supposed to be friends with. The whole time she was talking, I was wondering if and when she will start talking bad about me in the same way she is talking about her. 

This is crazy. I feel so spiritually weak that I'm physically weak too. I could barely finish the bleachers at practice today without my teammate's help. She reminded me that I had to have faith and that I can do all things through Christ which strengths me. It helped me, but it made me feel even more spiritually guilty for not having stronger faith due to my disobedience. I am supposed to be an example.

God has to be ever understanding because I am a crazy case right now. For now, I'm going to pull out those scriptures from the other day and let them sink in. I hope they help me because I need it.