I Can't

I'm trying to help

When she arrived at their twin's school, Stevie went inside and asked for directions for where the meeting was held. She was relieved to find out she wasn't the last one to arrive, seeing other mothers chatter, but she kept to herself, hoping it would be over soon. She was glad that now she didn't get bothered as much as she did when Anna and Daryl first started attending this school, now she was just one of the mother's.

While there was talk about food and handcrafts that some might be making and the items could be brought to the fair to be sold, the profits going to some charity, Stevie wasn't listening. She was concentrated on somehow not being nauseous anymore, which didn't work, as she had to excuse herself and rush for the nearest toilet.

Walking back into the classroom, Stevie was going for her seat, as the woman that was holding the meeting, said rather loudly, clearly trying to grasp her attention. "And now we come to entertainment. We have several students performing and for the background we can bring CD's, but of course we have the very lovely Stephanie among us and I just cannot not ask you to sing at the event."

"I, um... me?" Stevie shrugged her shoulders, shaking her head. "I really don't think so."

"Oh, please! It would be wonderful and I'm sure if your name as one of the performers would be put on the flyer, we would have so many more people attending."

With so many expectant sets of eyes on her, Stevie couldn't really say no, as she cursed silently, then looked up. "Okay, I can sign a couple of songs."

"Great! Now, the next subject..."

The meeting was over in another half an hour, but before leaving, Stevie once again had to deal with having that uneasy feeling in her stomach. Finally, heading for the car, she was fighting back tears, as this was already so exhausting, both emotionally and physically. She felt so alone without Lindsey. He was the most amazing father and the fact he didn't want this baby was shocking to her, which did leave her on her own and quite frankly, she wasn't sure whether she could go through with it.

Arriving at the cafe she and Christine agreed on, Stevie kept her head down when entering, spotting her long time friend immediately. They greeted each other with a hug and sat down, Christine's mood was instantly dampened, seeing that something was wrong with the younger woman.

"I'm sorry I'm late."

"No worries." Chris waved it off. "I ordered you a latte."

"Thanks." Stevie sighed, putting her handbag aside. 

"Well, then, spit it out."

"What?"

"Stevie, how many years do I know you?" Reaching for her hand, Christine smiled, doing her best to encourage her friend to open up.

Still a little hesitant, Stevie spoke up. "I'm pregnant."

"That's fantast-"

"And Lindsey doesn't want it."

"Oh..."

"Yeah." She nodded, leaning back, turning to look out the window. "I went to the doctor's yesterday, expecting to have some serious illness and he told me I'm expecting. Seven weeks."

"Why doesn't Lindsey want you to keep it? You're wonderful parents. I don't get it."

"He says we're too old, the pregnancy is of high risk..."

"Well, that's true, but wouldn't the doctor have told you if you should consider, you know... not keeping the baby?"

"He said, he's seen many cases like mine and it goes two ways; healthy babies or complications and miscarriage. I know that, I realize this might not be as easy ride as it was with the other two pregnancies, but Chris... I can't find it in me to go to a clinic and terminate it. I can't, I want to have it."

"Where does this leave you and Lindsey? I mean, I don't even know actually what to say."

"I don't either. He's being very categorical. Naturally, it creates tension and I'm snappy with him, and he's not at all patient with me... I just don't know."

"There's little advice I can give, Stevie. Lindsey already blames me for one of your breakups... But what I will say is that I think you should follow your heart. I don't believe for one second he won't come around. Sure, this is scary and it's a huge responsibility, but I think you making a decision, other than having this child... it will crush you."

"But I don't want this to be the reason why I receive divorce papers either." She teared up, as her voice grew very quiet. 

"Aw, sweetheart, that won't happen. Lindsey loves you and he loves your children. I think that maybe he's not telling you something. Sit down and have an honest conversation with him."

"I tried to this morning, but he was... he's just against it, Chris. Simple as that, he doesn't want another child."

"I wish I knew how to help you." Christine looked sympathetically at Stevie, giving her hand a squeeze, before she asked to change the subject.

Some time later, Stevie arrived back home. She entered the house, following the voices of Lindsey, Anna and Daryl into the living room. They were talking about something very enthusiastically, cracking jokes and laughing all together, before they noticed her standing in the doorway.

"Hi, Mom!"

"Hey, you guys." She smiled a little, then looked at Lindsey. "Can you come to the kitchen for a second?"

He stood up and walked behind her, until they were out of the earshot and eyesight of Daryl and Anna. She took a step closer to him and took his hands, placing them on her belly, as she looked him in the eyes.

"Tell me you would willingly give this up." She asked, referring to a moment ago with their other children. 

Lindsey didn't say or do anything for a minute, before he exhaled deeply and pulled his hands away, returning to the living room.