Last Night, June 15, 2013, I was crying. .
I cried a lot these past few weeks, so I thought this was just one of those times wherein I cry myself to sleep. But no, it was different. Not like those times when I was crying to my friend on the phone while he comforts me saying that “Everything is going to be alright, just trust God”. But this time, I didn’t want to cry to my friend again. I felt that I was crying to him so much, so I was embarrassed that I didn’t cry to him.
I was depressed because I was insecure. Insecure because I remembered the time I didn’t pass my audition; I was just seeing it everywhere that it made me remember it. It made me feel that I’m not good enough. Thanks to that, it made me feel more insecure, like seeing pretty girls in the internet with their pictures and talents and such. I didn’t feel any worth. I didn’t feel my worth.
I was thinking so many things, like “Oh how no one will accept me because I’m useless, I’m not pretty, I’m not good at singing. I’m just not good enough!!” I said to God that no man will love me, no man will say that I’m beautiful, that I’m not useless, and that he’s proud of me. But mostly, I felt that no man will love and accept me for me. I just couldn’t wait for him any longer. That just made me weep more to God.
I was curled up on my bed, face covered with tears flowing more from my eyes. So I just covered my face with me pillow as always, just there talking and shedding more tears to God. I was asking for God. I wanted to hug Him so badly. I prayed so hard like I’ve never prayed before. I was shaking, just for a hug I prayed that badly. But to me it’s not just a hug; I know it’s a hug that will heal me, that will comfort me, because it is God’s hug. I wished to talk to him, so I prayed more. I so badly want to see him, and to talk to him, and to hug him.
As I lie down on my bed I took the book that I started reading last week entitled ‘Tue Life in God’. When I opened it I was shocked to what I saw, it made me shed more tears. Just there, exactly where I left my bookmark, exactly where I stopped, it marked what I was feeling right now. It says in the chapter ‘BE MY BRIDE’, God talked to me through that book, like all the things He said to the girl in the book, it felt that he’s saying it to me right now. When I read it, I cried more to him, he said that he wants me to live in the middle of his heart, he eagerly wants me to.
The girl said that she’s not worth it, that she’s not worth anything. I felt her. Jesus replied to her saying “I love you as you are. . be my bride”. As God made me read those lines, he made me realize something. There is one man who has already accepted me for who I am, and not just any man, but God himself. I was so touched that I wept more to God (oh yes how just I love to cry). “If only I could see you, O Lord how I want to see you so badly and just hug you right now” I said.
I don’t know why, but I just know that when I remove the covers from my face I would see Jesus there, staring at me. I took a peek. I was disappointed, I didn’t see him. I cried again, I peeked for the second time. I saw the book, right there, Jesus’ face, staring at me.
I wasn’t convinced yet. I told God “God you know what I mean, I want to see you, as in You. I want to hear you, as in You”. I looked at the picture again; I saw tears in Jesus’ eyes. I cried more and said “See Lord? I even made you cry!!” I got so depressed at that thought. I tried to read the bible. Nothing, nothing caught my interest. So I came back to that book to search for more answers.
BINGO. I found it.
I read a part there wherein it says that only few of God’s children only seem to understand the many signs that God has given them. Then it says there that Jesus shared his sufferings to her because she is his bride after all. They became one. Lastly he said that he will fetch her as soon as she completes her mission.
God encountered with me so many times in just one night. I felt better. I was happy again :) God and me suffered together. When you’re one with him, you share the SAME thing. You share BOTHyour happiness, your sufferings. You share LOVE ♥. I felt one with God.
So I stopped crying and opened my laptop again. There it is again, those things that made me cry earlier. But this time it made me happy. After that another thing came that would’ve made me sad. A contest about a composition about proverbs 3:5-6. Unfortunately I wasn’t on the top three.
But it just didn’t make me cry again. I even supported those people in the contests. I’m happy for them.
See how Satan tried to make me cry again? He just won’t give up. That’s why I couldn’t hear or see God anymore because I was letting him enter instead of God. He made that wall between me and God. But God didn’t give up on me either, and HE never will. He will keep on knocking that wall down just to let me hear him and see him again. He NEVER stops communicating with me. He tries, tries and tries. God wouldn’t let anything hurt me, so I felt secured again, I felt his comfort, and I felt his presence again.
I told myself “First of all, why would you expect to pass the audition if you didn’t even practice?! Not even for a bit!” I wasn’t serious enough about my dream. Second, about the song writing competition, I didn’t pass it because I knew the requirements, I needed to be a US citizen and I needed to be 18 or above to enter. But thanks to my stubbornness I still entered it, even though I risked my voice because of my sore throat.
I was rushing things. I thought it was too late.
But I got back up. I know it’s never too late to achieve your dreams. I didn’t feel sad about my failures anymore. I just know that God will be right here with me, all the time. He will guide me through the path he’s taking me. I feel safe because I know that it is all in his hands, all you’ve got to do is to trust Him :)
