Cross My Heart

Chapter 45

I woke up in a hospital chair. I didn't even know how I got here. How did I not remember? My brain was nothing but fog. Why was I not in a hospital bed? Oh, because I wasn't injured. I went through that entire time of hell, and I wasn't even injured. Yet Gwen was r&ped over and over, by....I lost count of how many guys, and Gavin....was dead.

I felt guilty as shit. Why was I fine? Couldn't we all have shared an equal amount of harm, and all still be here? Three friends that could bond over their few weeks of captivity?
No. We couldn't.
Life was not fair that way, apparently.

I looked around more, and I turned on the light on the wall next to the hospital bed. It was Gwen in the bed. I thought so, but I had to make sure...make sure I didn't sleep wander into someone's room or something. I was dressed in hospital socks, sweats that were too big for me, and a tee shirt.
And she looked cozy. She wasn't hooked into any machines or anything, and I just had this overwhelming need to cuddle to her. There was just something inside me that missed Gavin, and being near her was the closest thing to him. It wasn't even about my feelings for her. I just...wanted to be in Gavin's "world". The world he'd known.

I snuck around to the other side of her bed, and climbed in carefully so as not to wake her.
I cuddled against the back of her, but didn't put my arm around her or anything. I'd hate for her to wake up thinking I was Gavin...again, but this time, being overcome with grief, thinking it was all a dream or something, and he was actually still alive. I don't know. It was hard already, trying to cover all my bases, to make sure everything I did was was right for Gwen, but at the same time, desperately needing someone to comfort ME too.

I thought about how tough life was going to be now, as I fell asleep listening to Gwen's peaceful breathing. She was at peace right now. I wasn't looking forward to when she woke up.

GWEN'S POV:

My eyes opened, and my first thought was Gavin. Of course. It was too traumatic to forget, even coming from a deep sleep. I could feel the loss of him as I slept, so there was no forgetting. There was no quick second of hope in the new day when I became conscious in the morning. There was only sadness. Pushing down on my chest. Making it hard for me to breathe.
Instantly, heavy sobs that were waiting for consciousness to be let out, exploded out of me. I kept them silent, but they rocked through my body, making my knees lift up to curl into my chest and my hands come up and grab the sides of my head.
I shook as the pain tried to escape me through every silent sob. I lost myself in the realization of what my life would be like now. From this second on. It would NEVER be better. Never be fixed. My knees that were curled into my chest in the air, started to fall sideways onto the bed as I clenched my stomach tighter, making my body curl further into a heaping ball of pain and mess. I collapsed sideways, hands twisting and tugging at the hair on the sides of my head, when I bumped something with my butt. 
I realized a few seconds later, that there was someone breathing behind me.
I turned quickly, and bumped someone's chest.
Nate.

He was asleep in the bed with me.
His hands were tucked between his thighs as if he was still respecting Gavin and not touching me.
Ashame that now was when Gavin actually WANTED him to touch me. To comfort me. To take care of me. Give me love that Gavin can no longer give me.
But that's what Gavin wanted. Not me.

I didn't want ANYONE.

I didn't want anyTHING, for that matter.
I wanted to die. Get this life over with.
I'd seen paradise, and it was torn from me. I'd seen all I needed to see. I could be done now.

The pain in my chest. It was pushing down on me relentlessly. All I could think was that there was NO escaping this. There was no "rewind". No "Wait, I changed my mind". This was it. No more Gavin. No turning back. I sat up, barely able to see through the puffiness of my eyes. The burning and stinging. The tears clinging to each eyelash.