Therapy (on hold for right now)

Chap.1

Blood.. the smell was so strong. Death..well I'm not sure if I could feel that yet. Wasn't it suppose to be nothingness? No pain, just peace. A total oasis of quietness.

Something to assure one's troubled mind.

Yeah? Well right now, death felt nothing of the sort. My body felt as if I'd  been hit with a truck. Ran over and left like a wild animal.

If this was death, I wanted no part of it...at least anymore.

Though I still wanted to end it all. There just wasn't a place in this world for me. To my mother, my life probably equaled the same as a mixed matched shoe in a Good Will store parking lot.

It told stories, been through things just like me, but was eventually abandoned.

Dad...was amazing.

He showed me compassion knowing the truth behind how I came to be in this huge universe. It hurt me to do this to him, my heart bled with guilt.

But, I was alone. People do irrational things when they feel alone. Me being included in those millions of human beings.

I had no friends because of their attentions. No one wanted to befriend 'me', but my parents money was a different story.

So I had no one to tell my deepest darkess secrets.

Afraid that they would just, spill the beans. Metaphorically of course. I kept myself isolated. Thus making me feel alone.

Wow who knew that, that was such a powerful emotion to have? Not to mention a very dreadful one. It makes you think, something that's not very good while distressed.

Depression follows along, and you have to cope with it. Keep an entirely fake illusion. Smile throughout the day.

Knowing truly that it is a mask. Not how you want to portray yourself. That you're lying to your fake-friends, family, hell everyone.

My mom cradles my limp body and sobs into my hair.

I can here her pleads, for me to hold on. Her expensive Marc Fisher's blouse soaked in blood, pressing against me.

She wants me to stay awake, which is really becoming hard. S-she's telling me that she loves me.

Asking me why I've done what I have. And to keep it frank, I can't explain it. Feeling a tear roll down my face, I blink it away.

"M-mom?" Blinking, she looks down at me. "Yes baby girl?" Smiling, I take in a quick agonizing breath.

"Y-you haven't c-called me that in a-awhile."  She shakes her head. "Baby this is all our fault isn't it? Please don't tell me it is?"

Sucking in a sharp breath, a shiver goes through my body.

Sometimes, I would wonder if my mom really loved me. If I wasn't born, would they still be in love as they were in high school.

"I wish you really could love me."

She yells hysterically, and lie multiple kisses upon my forehead. "CADE! PLEASE TELL ME THEY'RE HERE! PLEASE!"

Rocking us back and forth, she clutches me tighter. "Luna, baby please!"

My eyes close and I smile faintly. There's the numbness I was looking for. Taking a shuddering breath, my heart stops beating.

Though, I don't see a bright light. No clouds, and those golden gates. Hell, I don't even see literally. 

Where's the almighty place people speak of?

Is this where my soul will float for eternity? In the depths of dreary darkness. Wait...am I suppose to feel a shock.

Electricity flowing through my breast, causing me to vacate the ground beneath me, and meet it again.

No, this isn't part of it.

"It's not working Lila! Don't fucking shock her again, or I'll kill you!" Daddy...wait no, I hear mom too. No god no, I'm suppose to be dead.

"Please don't stop! Shut up Cade, I don't give a shit!" 

Another shock, I take a deep breath against my will. Three paramedics rush me away, after carefully placing me on a gurney.

I pant for air, trying to suck in a lung full of oxygen. Why can't I breathe, what's going on?  My back arches off of the stretcher, and spittle flies past my lips.

"Kyle, hurry she's going into shock!" Shock, is this what that feels like.

Bricks being laid against your chest. Being held underwater for hours. Pain, unbearable agony.

Screaming my eyes fly open, and connect with clear blue eyes. Pretty like an ocean in the tropics.

"Hand me the anesthetic!"

He grabs for the needle, and jam it into my arm. Peace...a serene peace fills my whole being, and my lungs thank me for a gasp of needed oxygen before I pass out.

"Patient sedated, job well done."

                                         • • •

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