Deep Thoughts

10/21/15

It's times like this when I really want to stop crying. It's times like this when I just need to talk to someone who know how it feels. It's times like this when I need comfort. It's times like this when I fear myself. It's times like this when I wish everything was okay. It's times like this when I look down at myself. It's times like this when I feel like life hates me.

That feeling when you're disconnected from everyone else. That feeling when your parents tell you that you're a humiliation to their reputation. That feeling when your parents tell you that you're a failure. That feeling when your parents tell you that you will never make it in the real world. That feeling when they tell you to look at reality.That feeling that you're the idiot in your family. That feeling when you feel useless. It all exists. It's all too real.

I think about all the good times I had back then with real friends. I think about when I never had any worries or responsibilities. I think about calming myself down. But it just makes things worse. I begin to think about friends who turned into enemies. I begin to think if I should use pills or a knife. I begin to think about my funeral. I begin to think if anyone will miss me. I begin to think if my parents were ever secretly proud of me. I begin to think that everything will get better. But at that moment, it would never get better, and that's what makes things worse.

I try to stay optimistic. I try to keep a smile on my face. I try to keep my chin up. I try to list all of the great things in life. But under that mask, I'm just another person who tries to reach for the stars, but falls down too many times.

They tell me that I'm the greatest person alive. They tell me that they love me. They tell me that I'm the top of the top. They tell me that I should be proud of who I am. But why don't I feel as amazing as they tell me? Why don't I think that I'm as smart as they say? Why can't I get happier?

Happiness is just a dream that I can't afford. It's time to wake up.