One Last Time (ManxMan)√

One Last Time - 2

I can't sleep, not when I know he is hurting, that he is probably all alone, crying his heart out, for what? For my own stupid mistake, my own miscalculated assumption. I can't live with myself, but that isn't a choice I will have any longer. I sit in the dark staring at nothing and just feel my pain, allowing for it to take me, allowing it to break me. I wish I could take it back, mend what is broken, but I can't and I broke him, I broke myself.

It is a crime to miss me, his words make my heart bleed, I ache for him to want me again, just as I want him. It's a crime, one that I am paying for now, this is my sentence,  the short time I have lived in regret, in pain and sorrow, I'm so depressing. I take my phone in my hand and unlock the screen and smile. Carson's smiling face greets me, happy and content. His eyes sparkled with glee as he stuck his cute pink tongue out at me.

I wish I could take back the hurt I gave to you. I hope that one day you'll chose to forgive me. I will always love you, Carson, and I only wish you still love me too.

I press send without a second thought before lying back down on the hard mattress and I force myself to enjoy the pain in my chest and drift off to sleep.

He smiled at me, pulling my face down to his. I grinned as his soft pink lips caressed my own. His tongue poked at mine, urging me to play too. His smaller, much softer hands drifted to my bare shoulders, to my arms, leaving goosebumps in its trail and down to my back. He sighed into our kiss, his legs wrapped around my waist, pulling my body further onto his, till we were flush against one another.

"I love you, Leo. "He whispered as I nipped as his cheek and he giggled. I stared down at the angel who has captured my heart.

"I love you more." I said truthfully and he pulled me flush against him, allowing me to feel his body, all of him. His hands roamed up and down my back, his calves brushing my thighs.

"Make love to me.. "He pleaded.

I wake with the alarm, sadness gripping at my heart. I turn onto my back and glance at the clock. Why did I set it so early? I groan and roll out of bed and walk to the bathroom. Turning on the cold water I enter immediately after striping my boxer shorts. I shiver but bear it, my eyes closing and I picture Carson's smiling face, giggling as I chase him around the apartment we used to share together. I smile and wash myself, pictures of him and I together, happy and smiling. I want nothing more than to get that back, even if it isn't for forever.

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

I stare out of the window and hold the phone to my ear.

"Leo, please, just...just come home, let Mama take care of you. This isn't healthy." Her broken voice has me biting my lip in sadness, I wish I could stop hurting those who love and care about me, but I can't, no matter what I do or how hard I try, they always end up hurting more than they should.

"Mama, you know, I need to do this, I don't want to leave him knowing I could have made it better. "

"But you aren't making it better!" I can tell she is about to cry and right on queue she lets out a heart breaking sob, "you can't stop him or anyone else from hurting, Leo! You can't." She gasps, "No matter what you do, we will feel the lose, especially with all the good memories you have given us." I know she is right but I am selfish and because I am selfish I want one more try, one last moment with him before I go, before I never see him again.

"I know, Mama. I know. "She cries and I listen, my eyes close and I lean my head on the window.

"My poor baby," she sobs, "I am so sorry. I love you so much, Leo , do you hear me? So much."

"I love you too, Mama. "We say our goodbye's with her refusing to hang up which makes me smile. I pay the taxi fair and exit the car. I walk up the walk way and up the stairs onto the porch. I knock and put my hands in my pockets, hoping he is home today. When the door opens, I smile at his adorable look, he just got out of bed and is rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Hey, "I try for a smile and he scowls at me.

"Leo, really, it's like 5 o'clock in the morning, you better be dying or something serious," if only you knew. I shrug.

"Actually it's 8 o'clock, you just prefer to sleep in on Sundays. "He smiles lightly and shakes his head.

"Still knowing that you chose to pop up." I shrug again and he walks away with a motion with his hand for me to follow. Slowly I enter his home and look around, he made everything just as he used to describe it, as we had envisioned. I smile at his baby picture on the small desk. I stare at it for a while, his cheeks are chubby and cute and he has a huge smile on his face, his hand raised high, fingers spread out.

"Leo, are you coming or what? "I smirk having a very dirty response to that but instead opt for something simple.

"Ok." Walking into the kitchen he leans onto the counter, a hot cut of coffee in his hand. He looks out the window with content. I stand awkwardly in the archway, he turns to me.

"You may sit down you know. "I nod suddenly nervous about the situation, I hadn't thought he'd actually let me in. I sit and the silence stretches over us.

"And now the cat has caught your tongue." I look up to see him staring amused at me, he knew I was uncomfortable and had no idea what to say. He rolls his eyes. "Breakfast?" I chuckle knowing how much he hated to cook, I was usually the one who made the food, breakfast, lunch and dinner. I smirk at him and he glares.

"I guess by breakfast you mean cereal? "He pouts.

"I learned how to not burn eggs you ass." I laugh happily, it has always amused me when he swears, it just isn't like him. We settle in silence. "Ok, no breakfast, so, why are you here again?"

"Just one date, Leo, only one. "I say without missing a beat to which he sighs.

"I thought you would say that." He looks at me, his gaze going up and down. "My answer is still no, if you don't have anything else to say you can leave."

"Why not, Carson?"

"You and I both know why I don't want to go out on a date with you, no matter how many your asking for. "His eyes shine with vulnerability and I sigh.

"I still lov-"

"Don't. Do not say that. I don't want to hear those words from you." OK, I love you, Carson . I say in my head. "Please go, Leo and don't come back. "I think the look on his face broke me more than the words he spoke.