The Anatomy of Our Almosts

Cigarette Butts and Train Stations

"Glai, hindi porket hindi mo alam ay hindi na totoo..."

"Pwes, I have my right not to listen to anything you have to say..." Sabi niya sabay tayo mula sa office chair niya pero mabilis kong nailapag ang coffee cup niya at naunahan siya sa may pintuan

"Please? Glaiza - - I still love - -" I uttered as I tried to reach out to her, mabilis siyang lumayo

"Don't pull that shit with me Rhian! Wala kang karapatang sabihin yan sakin! Bakit ba kasi andito ka pa!?"

"Magusap tayo Glai yun lang nam - -"

"Naguusap na tayo! So tell me what you want to tell me and you may go - -"

"Can you please just calm down and listen to me?"

"Have you listened to me when I begged you to?"

"Glai - -"

"That's what's wrong with this conversation Rhian, ito yung mga klase ng usapang hindi na dapat pinagbibigyan kasi magsusumbatan lang tayo at wala tayong mararating! Are you getting my point?!"

"Sabi mo sakin you're willing to wait - -"

"I waited. I did my waiting, seven years of waiting for what? Tell me?! For what?! We all have our extents Rhian, I've strained my thread for far too long. Please let me rest..." She motioned to walk past me, pero pinigilan ko siya ng yakap and almost instantly I wanted to melt into her arms pero ako lang yung yumayakap samin kaya kelangan kong higpitan.

"Glai, kahit gaano hindi kapanipaniwala mahal kita, sobrang mahal kita hanggang ngayon..." simula ko habang pinakikiramdaman siya, pero sadyang matigas ang puso niya pero hinayaan niya akong magpatuloy

"Sorry if the only option I have that time was to leave you after everything you did for me, pero wala akong ibang choice Glai - - A-akala ko kaya kong ipaglaban ka - - yung atin pero hindi pala - - masyado akong natakot - - I got so scared of losing myself wholly, dahil ikaw nalang ng ikaw ang nakikita at nakakasama ko - - I am full of you Glaiza - - and I was so naïve and immature that time - - a-akala ko okay lang yung feeling na grounded mo na ako pero hindi, there's something inside me ayaw magpatali sa ganun - -"

"Then what are you doing here?" she cut me cold

"I'm here kasi - - kasi - -"

"Kasi you're thinking na gusto mo na ng ganun? Na matali sakin? Na finally after seven long years maground na kita?! Ganun ba?!" biglang taas ng boses niya at tulak niya sakin na sa lakas napasandal ako sa pinto, pero imbis na lumayo hinawakan niya ako sa magkabilang balikat, pinning me against the hard wood, the carvings painfully etching on my back.

"What the hell do you really want? Huh? Haven't you had any good sex for all those years? No one fucked you well more than I did huh?!" She blatantly accused, tears pooled my eyes sa sobrang hiya, at sakit ng salitang binitawan niya and before I could react she was already kissing me harshly, yung kiss na walang pakialam, walang emosyon maliban sa galit at frustrations

"Glai - -" I said in between kiss and sobs

"Glai tama na please - -" pero ayaw niyang tumigil, sobrang sakit na ng nararamdaman ko, dahil hindi ko akalaing magiging ganito siya.

"Glai!" I shouted pushing her off me at para siyang biglang natauhan sa ginawa niya, she was about to reach out to me pero mabilis kong binuksan ang pinto para umalis.

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"Glai!" She shouted as she pushed me of her, and then I saw Rhian, my Rhian looking so fragile and hurt. And it dawned on me kung ano yung kagaguhang nagawa ko. But before I could hold her again and apologize she was gone.