It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Shrek, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling barely frustrated, Shrek hit a gerbil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he realized that his beloved dick was missing! Immediately he called his fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Donkey. Shrek had known Donkey for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were exotic ones. Donkey was unique. He was attractive though sometimes a little... abrasive. Shrek called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Donkey picked up to a very mad Shrek. Donkey calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys turn red before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually scandalously yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Shrek. Why was Donkey trying to distract Shrek? Because he had snuck out from Shrek's with the dick only six days prior. It was a eccentric little dick... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Shrek got back to the subject at hand: his dick. Donkey belched. Relunctantly, Donkey invited him over, assuring him they'd find the dick. Shrek grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Donkey realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the dick and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Shrek took the tricked out go kart, he had take at least eleven minutes before Shrek would get there. But if he took the snip4rz? Then Donkey would be very screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Donkey was interrupted by eleven clueless Penguins that were lured by his dick. Donkey yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling pleased, he skillfully reached for his wolverine and randomly stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the snip4rz rolling up. It was Shrek.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Shrek was out of the snip4rz and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Donkey's front door. Meanwhile inside, Donkey was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the dick into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind his refrigerator. Donkey was angered but at least the dick was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Donkey earnestly purred. With a hasty push, Shrek opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted self-righteous ass in a nappy, busted-out hatchback,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Donkey assured him. Shrek took a seat RIGHT next to where Donkey had hidden the dick. Donkey grimaced trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Shrek was distracted. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, Donkey noticed a oafish look on Shrek's face. Shrek slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Donkey felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Shrek asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the dick right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Shrek's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Shrek nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Donkey could react, Shrek skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The dick was plainly in view.
Shrek stared at Donkey for what what must've been ten nanoseconds. As if it really mattered Donkey groped wildly in Shrek's direction, clearly desperate. Shrek grabbed the dick and bolted for the door. It was locked. Donkey let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Shrek,' he rebuked. Donkey always had been a little dimwitted, so Shrek knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Donkey did something crazy, like... start chucking dangerous oil-soaked rags at him or something. Before anyone could take off their pants, he gripped his dick tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Donkey looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Shrek. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Shrek. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Donkey walked over to the window and looked down. Shrek was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Shrek was struggling to make his way through the magical cornfield behind Donkey's place. Shrek had severely hurt his armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Penguins suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the dick. One by one they latched on to Shrek. Already weakened from his injury, Shrek yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Penguins running off with his dick.
About nine hours later, Shrek awoke, his ear throbbing. It was dark and Shrek did not know where he was. Deep in the arid bush, Shrek was exceedingly lost. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he remembered that his dick was taken by the Penguins. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a shrunken Penguin emerged from the foxy forest. It was the alpha Penguin. Shrek opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Penguin sunk its teeth into Shrek's scalp. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Shrek's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than five miles away, Donkey was entombed by anguish over the loss of the dick. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened carrot. With a deft thrust, he buried it deeply into his ear. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Shrek... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the dick that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Penguins, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
