EGLATH

M X |᷆ F T H

The sun shone so brightly in my mind's eye, blotting out so much of the memory, that all I saw of her was her figure, standing on the grass, slightly crouched as she ducked away from the stream of water from my water gun. My body jolted with the pain of the memory, like a spear had been plunged into my heart. I just lay there, hardly breathing, on my bed.

I just wanted the pain to stop. These happy memories of her tortured me.

Funny...she was only a friend. I closed my eyes, and the sun blinded me again. This time, through the trees behind my house, and I saw her just by me on the trampoline. Her red hair shone like blood in the sun, framing her pale face, and that smile that shone as bright as the sun that blinded me. The spear was pulled out of my chest, and the pain wracked through my body, and my whole body jolted, like a death spasm, and my eyes opened. The same thoughts plagued me: "You cannot let go. You promised to be here for her. Remember your promise till the end. Keep holding on. Never forget her. You made a promise."

I curled up on my side, waiting for sleep to take the pain away.

I wondered to myself: "Why can't I cry? It's been two years now, and not a single tear, just the pain pulsing through my every sinew."

Like a wounded wolf, my mind howled: "WHY AM I FORSAKEN?"

A dreamless sleep took me, giving my broken mind a few moments of rest.

I awoke to a grey morning. I ate a slab of bread. I got on the bus. I got to school.

This grey mindless repetition used to seem so meaningful, when I could at least share it with someone; with her; my friend, my shield sister.

The one who I thought I could count on, the one I had helped so much in her time of need, and yet when I needed her she was gone.

But she didn't know. How could she when I couldn't explain it to her?

Especially with her new boyfriend around. She has only got time for him, and here I am, standing here all forgotten and abandoned outside the tallest building of our school, with her group, talking to her friends, just trying to be there for her, because the thought that she doesn't need me, and therefore will not come to me, is unbearable.

If only she could see me here for a moment, I could explain it to her. I could get her to realise, to understand. But she can't. It's not she wont. I cannot believe that. She wouldn't do that. No. She just can't. Yes, that is what I believe.

The day went by like any other day. I over exaggerated my upset to get her attention, because she is caring. Yes. My friend who left me is caring, she just doesn't understand. But like all the other days it failed. I went home, did my homework, played a game, and listened to music on the radio, hiding all the pain from my little brother. He didn't need to see his older brother for what he really felt. I need to be a strong figure to look up to. That is what I need to be, and I will not abandon my post.

And then I went to bed. There I could be myself. Let it all out. Practice holding on, no matter how much it hurt, and for the next night in the endless hell, my body convulsed in pain, with a silent scream. I closed my eyes, and tried to remember the lovely person I knew. That special friend like no other that meant so much to me. It wasn't her fault. Her mum couldn't live in that house anymore. Not with all those memories of her ex husband in that place. I kept telling myself that to hide the other possibility. Not the truth, just the other possibility. The possibility that she has just dropped me, because I have no use.

Then it hit me, as another stab of pain wracked my body.

I thought, what if I could just die? The pain doesn't end, and the one thing I treasured above all I have lost. I can't kill myself, because the shame of that would break my family more than my actual death.

I could go into the army when I am old enough, but that is three years from now, and this pain is slowly killing me. I don't want an agonising death, where all I am has been ripped apart bit by bit, with an empty husk that can hardly breathe as a remainder.

My legacy: Give all I am till I have nothing left, and die empty.

A noble legacy, no matter how forsaken.

Something inside me, like a child pulling at my leg, nagged me.

I closed my eyes, and an image of another girl popped into my head.

Like my friend, she had a beautiful smile, she had pale skin, and she had the setting sun through the trees framing her head.

But her whole body was slightly tainted with soot, and her eyes were pits of black, like the bottomless pit, they were endless and absorbed all light.

And she wore a white silk dress, frilly at the bottom, but also tainted with a light sooty sprinkling. In her pale small hands, was a blade, black and thin. But regardless of its hue, the light glanced off of it, brighter than the sun itself. The blade was slightly curved, and as thin as a leaf.

Her thin arms were open, inviting me in.

"Come now, let me give you rest, forsaken one." She spoke, in a voice soft and pleasant, with genuine love in its tones, calming me. Her offer was so tempting. My body ached from this endless fight, and I just wanted to relieve my worn mind and heart.

I stood there, in the leaves of the forest, with the ancient trees as witness, and fell forward, onto this frail girl. She caught me with strength unseen, and cradled me in her arms. I looked up at her, into the voids of her eyes, with the setting sun streaming rays of light past her head as it sunk below the horizon. She held me there, and stroked the hair from my face, with the wind gently blowing a few strands of hers half-heartedly across her face.

"It's alright Eglath, forsaken one. You are safe now." She spoke with calm gentle joy. I stared at her, as I forgot the pain in my heart, and my love for her grew; she who would take my pain away. I breathed my last, trying for the final time to give up my life, and as the air left my lungs, her blade effortlessly slipped between my ribs and through my flesh, hardly tearing it; parting it like a rowing boat parts still water.

My vision faded, and as I died, the last thing I saw was her beautiful face framed by the light of the trees, filled with love and rest.

Peace at last.

Its been seven years now, and I am finally okay again.

There is always pain no matter what you do, it will seem like you are missing something, and that is what will drive you forwards.

But let me tell you what this has all taught me, and this is a lesson learnt through a lot of pain:
Hold onto the ones you love, as long as they hold onto you.

When your mother dies, you must bury her.
When your cat dies, you must bury her.
When a friendship dies, you must bury her.

The grave is no place for the living.
Safe travels, reader, and leave with my blessing:

May the grass beneath you feet be soft, the sun on your back warm, and the wind on your face gentle.
May the breath in your throat not cease, and may your soul be alive in you.
May your stick be strong, your feet sure, and your heart light.
In the name of God the Father, Amen.