Finding Home #SYTYCW15 #SpecialEdition

Finding Home Part 13

"Andie, no. Please. Don't do this." His hand held hers tighter until she could feel the bones in her hand grinding against each other under the pressure.

"I thought I could do this, be with you, but I can't. I can't do this, Conner. I can't do this with you."

"I love you," Conner said. The words were low and rough, but sharp enough that they still drove straight to her heart, piercing it with the weight behind them.

Suddenly the room was spinning around her again and the pain was so strong she felt like she physically couldn't bear it, couldn't stand there a minute longer.

"I can't," she managed to gasp out, and then she was running, ignoring Conner's yells for her to stop. She didn't stop until Shawn caught up with her and physically stopped her, pulling her into his arms.

And then she crumpled, her sobs coming so fast and hard that she felt like she couldn't breathe. She cried out the fear she'd held for Logan, the pain of losing her parents, the pressure of being the frame that held their whole family up for the last six years.

But mostly she cried for Conner. She cried because, oh, God, she did love him. She loved him so much that she could feel it in every one of her bones, every cell of her body. She was desperately and horribly in love with him.

And it didn't matter at all. She would never be with him, never have a life with him. She couldn't risk the pain and potential loss, couldn't get past the sheer terror of it. So she cried for the dream of love that had been within reach, the dream that now lay shattered and dead at the base of that cliff that had crumbled a few hours ago.

*

The following days passed in a slow, agonizing blur for Andie, one day edging into another. It was like her heart had cracked open and everything she'd managed to keep shut up, every thing she'd pushed away so that she could be a functioning adult, had come pouring out in one excruciating torrent. Once she allowed herself to feel one thing, she felt everything, whether she wanted to or not.

The first few days, Mrs. Brown looked after Andie's shop, while Andie stayed home with Logan. But his ankle injury really wasn't all that bad, and soon he was back to school.

So Andie hauled herself to her shop every day, and then lugged herself back home. Slowly, the pain eased. Well, not really, but she pretended it had. She missed Conner every second of every day.

"Andie! Andie!"

She could hear Shawn storming through the house looking for her. For a minute, she snuggled deeper under her blanket on the couch and debated whether she could get away with not answering him. But then she sighed and threw back the afghan her grandma had crocheted.

"In here!" she yelled back as she sat up and ran her fingers through the snarled mess of her curls.

Shawn stepped through the doorway, then paused, a pinched look on his face. "This has to stop," he said softly. "You can't go on like this. You're miserable. He's miserable. admit that you love him already and get back together."

"I can't do that, Shawn."

Shawn folded his arms across his chest and leaned back against the door jamb. "Can't you?"

"No. I can't." Andie stood, folded the afghan neatly, and laid it on the back of the couch. "Was there something you wanted?"

Shawn stepped forward and pulled her into a hug. "Yeah. My sister back. You know, Pumpkin Fest is next week. They're counting on your float for the parade. Have you even started work on it yet?"

Andie bit her lip. She hadn't started it, and he was right; she had to do it, no matter how crappy she felt. It was the last float of the parade, the one that Santa always made an early appearance on. It had always been one of her favorite things to do. Somehow, she had to move past this pain, get over Conner and find, if not joy, than at least some level of contentment in her life.