Can This Be It?

Harder

I wait at the elevator for what seems like forever but when nothing happens I come home, crawl back into bed and cry. How could he do this to me after he promised I could trust him. And I have, time and time again, giving him the benefit of the doubt, believing his explanations, his excuses, his lies. Fucking lies. And now it's just history repeating itself, but I'm at the other end. I knew he would hurt me but I couldn't let go, I couldn't just walk away. So I guess now I'm paying the price. He was able to leave Jon in their bed and come to see me so why did I believe it would be different this time.  Why did he look me in the eyes and say 'You just have to trust me' if he didn't truly believe he could change. Maybe he wasn't planning on changing at all, maybe it was just another lie. I thought he said he wanted us to be better, he didn't want all the lies and cheating, the little things. This isn't better, I call this the same shit all over again.

All right, calm down, don't jump to conclusions yet. Maybe he has a good reason he left but what the fuck could it be? Why in the middle of the night?What couldn't wait until tomorrow? Why did he have to leave. Of course I'm thinking the worst as I lay here staring at the ceiling with tears running down my face, my heart and mind racing and it hurts so bad.

I hear the front door open and look at the clock. It's 2:20, I lay perfectly still pretending to be asleep. Kevin walks into our bedroom and crawls into bed so quietly I'm not even sure he's there. I hear him breathing heavily and as his breathing slows down I feel him relax. I'm so in tune with him I can feel his body even when I'm not touching him. I need to smell him, to smell if anyone else's scent is on him, to see if he smells like sex.

As hard as it is, I roll over and snuggle up against him. He puts his arm around my waist as I move closer and inhale deeply trying to discern the scents. There is Kevin, of course, and alcohol and a slight smell I can't place, something like staleness but not necessarily sex.

We lay there in silence both of us pretending to be something we're not. After a while I think Kevin has fallen asleep but of course I'm wide awake, my mind still racing. I look over at this man that I love so much and tears are running down his face. "Kevin, what's wrong?" I whisper trying not to scream what I really want to say.

"Patrick, I love you so much. I have the most amazing man that loves me to death but I still have to fight my demons." I prop my head up on my elbow to look at him. "What happened?" Does he realize I know he left? I'm just going to let him talk and keep my thoughts to myself.

"Why is this so hard for me? All I kept thinking about when I came to bed last night was Joel and his blatant come on.  It drove me nuts knowing that he was out there, wanting me, my ego growing by the minute, along with something else. The fact that you weren't here to distract me made it so much easier to act on my urge, an urge that was beyond my control and I fucking hate that."

Wow, well I guess this is the honesty we talked about. He's coming clean with me, does he feel that bad that he can't hide it from me? Guilt is roaring it's ugly head again so I continue to stay silent and let him confess what he needs to. I'm not going to stop him because he needs to say it out loud, to hear it, to own it.

"So I went down there thinking I could just have a drink with them and maybe reality would hit me in the face and make me sober up to the fact that I can't do this. We were having a good time, drinking, laughing and chatting it up but when I looked at him all I could think of was you and how much I love your face so much more, your beautiful face. Your face is home to me and always will be, and just like that I realized he was a stranger. I excused myself, told them I needed to go home and came back here. Patrick, I swear nothing happened but the fact that I went down there really bothers me, that I was even thinking about hurting you just kills me."