Change

Chapter 9

The next morning, I came home smiling a real smile, something I hadn't done in years.

"Why so happy?" Harry grinned.

"Alex," I smiled. "I can't help but be happy when I'm around him."

Louis's head snapped over.

"Do you like him?" Zayn asked, smirking.

"As in, more than a friend? I don't know. He's one of my best friends. He's very protective of me. But even if I did, I'm not sure he'd feel the same. I'll just be forever alone, I guess. It's time I stop wallowing in the past and be who I pretend to be. Nobody will ever love somebody as broken as I am, so I guess I'll just have to be fixed," I decided.

Unbroken.

That's what I need to be.

------

"Vi?" Louis asked quietly, finding me in the window room.

The noon sun was bright and gave perfect lighting for songwriting.

"Yes Louis?" I sighed, plucking a few strings on my accoustic.

"You okay?" he asked carefully.

"I'm fine," I answered briefly, not looking up at him. "Own kind of blue," I muttered, writing the notes and lyrics down.

"What are you working on?" he asked, dropping the previous topic and moving closer to me.

"A song," I said, my eyes on my six-string.

"You're being distant," he noted.

"Distance protects the heart," is all I said before getting up and leaving.

I really like him. But he has a girlfriend. I need to put distance between us if I don't want to get hurt.

I wandered around my floor before going into the ice rink. I changed into a designer skate dress. It was violet, but the top part was long-sleeved and covered in sparkles. I curled my hair and braided my bangs back, adding a violet and silver butterfly clip over the hair tie. I tied on my snow-white skates and started playing my 'Snowflake Stardom' playlist over the speakers.

As the high point in the song started, I lifted my leg as high as I could and skated in a figure eight. I lowered my leg and when the music sped, so did my pace. When the climax came, I leaped off the ground and twirled five times. I landed on one foot, perfectly balanced.

When the music ended, I looked up and saw the carvings I made on the ice.

They looked so similar to the lines on my arms.

Maybe that's why I love ice skating. I'm cutting a larger canvas that I can cut over and over and over again.

I slowly skated off the ice, deep in thought. I went to my room and changed into sweats and a t-shirt. I felt dead. No emotions whatsoever.

I didn't know what to do.

I was lost.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

I put the headphones over my ears and started playing my guitar.

(A/N: This song is copyrighted. I own all rights and reserves to this song and the music behind it)

"So lost

So blind

Dead inside

It's all because of you

Oh it's all on you

Eyes like the ocean

If I love it, it's a sin

Laugh like angel's voices

Her presence makes me rethink my choices

I should've never given up

Never given up

I should've tried again

Tried again

Until I saw

Blood on the floor

Knife is a blur

Stuck in my chest

And it all

Replays

And it all

Replays

Kinda like Romeo and Juliet

Died at age thirteen

Alive for three days at sixteen

It's so

Tragic

And

Horrible

It's so

Forced

And

Predictable," I sang.

I recorded the rest of the song, then sighed. I walked up to the window room and looked at the stars.

"Maybe...Maybe I could try again. Ed isn't here to save me. I could succeed. I could do it. I could end everything. Right here, right now," I realized, mesmerised with the idea.

"Please don't," I heard Zayn's rough voice whisper.

"Why shouldn't I? What do I have to live for?" I laughed bitterly.

"Ed. Alexander. The boys. Me," he said softly. "You've worked so hard to get to where you are now. Don't let it go. Don't let me go."

"I don't know how much longer I can hold on, Zayn," I said, finally turning to face him.

"You need to. For me. Please," he begged, voice thick with unfallen tears.

"Okay," I finally agreed after a long silence.