Hold me

Chapter 1

My family is chaotic and that is me putting it nicely. I do not understand how my mother did and does it. One child let alone two is a lot but eight? All females? I would have thrown myself off a cliff at child number three.
"Can you all just shut up?!" She finally screams and the room grows quiet. Even Every's wailing newborn pauses.
"I want you all," she pauses to take a deep breath. "to stop arguing and screaming for once and let us have a nice meal together." I look around the tables and we all nod and it is quiet for a minute or two before everyone goes back to screaming and shouting at each other. I sigh, getting my plate of bread and chicken and heading up the house, to the roof. I love my siblings to death but sometimes I just want some peace and quiet, like today.
"I knew I'd find you here."
"Not today Maria." I tell her without turning.
"You know you are not the first person to experience heartbreak right? You will get over it."
"I don't want to talk about it." I sigh, taking a bite of my chicken. It tastes like water but I chew, not wanting to show my sister my distaste.
"It's okay you know, to feel pain and anger and disgust. You don't always have to be good." She says the word with so much disgust I swallow my food and place the plate down next to me.
"But you are wrong, I don't want to feel." She shrugs.
"Fine. I am just trying to help. Remember how inconsolable I was when Jean Paul left me for pathetic Philipa or how Philipa tried to kill herself after she got pregnant by Jean Paul and he ran off to marry a merchant?" I almost crack up remembering the fight between Philipa and Maria in the field over Jean Paul. They rolled over so much they were balls of hay by the end. They didn't talk for almost a year after that and the only thing that made them talk was Philipa's baby.Maria is a mid wife so she had to deliver but she almost let Philipa die on the bed just for the hell of it but our mother slapped sense into her. Now they tolerate each other since they have to live in the same house.
"And then I met the love of my life after and I have co- tried to forgive my sister for her mistakes. It is not the end darling, you will find someone too and get married." I smile, looking up to the moon.
"I know." I tell her but in my heart I know it will not happen for me. I am not like my sisters, I will not be married by some gentleman of some class, no. The best I could do is a servant because only servants have the same skin color as me and also my father's status prohibits me from ever finding a suitable husband. Not that I ever wished for it, I have seen what it does to my sisters and I could never.
"God, don't you feel that chill?" I turn to her and she is shivering.
"I think you should go inside before to catch a cold and spread it to us." She playfully pushes me with her body.
" Alright, fine. I can read the room and know when I'm not wanted. Just..." and turns to look at me,"don't throw yourself over the roof. You are my favorite sister, I'd hate to loose you because of a silly boy." She pats my shoulder with a small smile before carefully going down using the ladder. I stare at the place she was just standing a second ago and I wish I could come clean and tell her what actually happened. I wish I could come clean and tell everyone below that it is not a broken heart I am suffering from but something much worse, something I wish could be deleted from my mind. I wipe the tears that escape my eyes and reach for my small pouch. I take out the cigarette and match and lie on uncomfortable roof to watch the stars as I smoke. I hated smoking a couple of months ago, hell I hated everything that could get me in trouble and avoided it like a plague but you can only avoid trouble so much before it catches up to you. It found me that fateful evening as I was walking home from the market. I felt the air change around me, before I knew it there was shuffling, horses, men, laughter, screaming, begging but no mercy.When I got home that evening, everything I knew had changed and it stemmed from within. Because of the chaos, nobody noticed my disorientation until a few weeks later and by then, I couldn't bring myself to talk about it, so I told everyone that I had a little forbidden romance that ended in my heart break. It's not a new occurrence in our household so no further explanation was needed and I was allowed to be. I throw the filter tip of the cigarette away and prepare to light another when my soul almost leaves my body.
"You look like a very expensive painting the way you are spread out." I attempt to kick her but she grabs my legs easily. "Careful, we are on a roof." She settles beside me with an exaggerated exhale.
"Your mother told me I'd find you here. Surprising since the last time I saw you, you were scared of heights." Sarah looks at me suspiciously as I light my cigarette. "And didn't smoke. How long have I been gone?"
"A hundred and one days today." She looks surprised.
"You counted?" I shrug, blowing out smoke. I want to tell her I needed her, I need her until I see the ink on her forearm.
"You also overcame your fear of needles I see." She looks at her arm and tries to cover it.
"It- it was a dare. I didn't have a choice." I nod.
"So you had fun at your fancy school thing huh?"
She sighs.
"I didn't come here for this- whatever this is." She gets up and starts walking away before pausing and looking back.
"You know if it were up to me we'd have gone together or I wouldn't have gone but this is not fair. You have changed to and you don't see me judging." And before I could apologize, she's gone. What a cunt I've become. I sigh and jump off the roof. The first time I did that I almost broke a limb but now I am used to it. The house is quiet now. Almost everyone is asleep now and I try to be quiet as I open and shut the door.
"I saw Sarah leave crying." I turn to my mother.
"You can push us away, we are after all stuck together because of the blood and all but Serah chooses to be here, I wrote her a days ago and she just arrived tonight to come make sure you hadn't spiraled into killing yourself only to leave crying. I am disappointed darling and you are my favorite, most innocent girl. What is happening to you?" She looks really concerned as she cups my cheeks and I almost surrender into her.
"I- mommy I-"
"Mother, I think Ryan has a fever." We get interrupted and I step back from my mother's embrace. For a moment she looks conflicted like she wants to listen to what I want to say more than look at Ryan and his mother.
"Mother!" My sister's panicked voice pulls her completely away from me and I run to my chamber. It is better this way. I cannot bare to see my mother pained just as she is finally getting better from all the suffering she has endured.