Once Autumn Hurts

One: Back To Where It Started

ONE
Back To Where It Started

"AND do you still feel like you're stuck in that moment?"

The big girl couch. That's what I called it when I was young—noong una akong nagpa-consult sa pediatric therapist para sundin ang mandato ng korte. Sa ilang therapists na pinagdaanan ko habang tumatanda'y palagi akong may nakikitang couch na ganoon. Dati, sa bean bag lang ako pinauupo. Minsan, hihiga sa sofa. God, I hated those times when Dr. Jeffrey Lacsamana makes me lie down in that brown couch of his in a small clinic he practiced.

But Dr. Meredith Gaisano's office clinic looks nothing like that though. May comforting na pakiramdam dito. Medyo sterile pa rin ang vibe gaya ng sa ospital pero may kung anong katahimikan at kapayapaan na nagpapatigil sa paggulong ng mga gears sa utak ko kapag tumatapak ako papasok dito. May mga art decors sa pader, may floor-to-ceiling na bintana na tanaw ang mga gusaling nakapaligid doon, mga paso ng halaman, water dispenser, at book shelf. Sa ilang taon ko kay Dok Meredith, hindi ko naramdaman ang parehong pakiramdam kapag tumatapak ako sa loob ng clinic ni Dok Jeffrey.

It's never suffocating here. Never felt like the walls were closing in on me. Never felt like my skin was being ripped apart from my body in an agonizingly slow, painful way.

"Autumn?" untag ng malambing na tinig na nagpakurap sa akin.

Nalipat ang focus ko kay Doktora Meredith. May ekspresyon siya sa mukha na para bang hinihintay niya akong magsalita. O sumagot.

Damn. What was the question again?

"You said your sleep paralysis occurs when you feel like you're stuck with something," paliwanag niya na siguro'y napagtanto ang blangko kong ekspresyon. "Pakiramdam mo ba'y stuck ka pa rin sa nangyaring 'yon?"

My chest expanded in a sigh. She's asking me if I'm stuck. I would've sent LOL to her if this was a chat conversation. Man, do I feel stuck. "Everytime."

Ni hindi siya kumurap sa sagot na iyon. Para bang inaasahan na niyang ganoon ang sasabihin ko. "Just in that particular moment?"

May emphasis iyon sa that. At hindi naman ako magtataka kung bakit.

I've been seeing Doktora Meredith for a while. At least about three years now. Hindi palagi kasi hindi naman ako masunurin sa mga appointment na itinatakda niya para sa akin. I'd see her three to five times in a year—max. Only when things gets out of hand. When I'm spiraling out of control. And that's what frustrates her about me, I guess. She probably thinks I'm reckless. That I don't care much about myself. Or about anything at all, at the very least.

To my luck, the mandatory psych evaluation the hospital ordered for the staff involved in the hostage taking and shootout five months ago is facilitated by her. At ang tanging paraan lang para makabalik ako sa trabaho ay maipasa ako ng doktor na ito.

Like hell she'd pass me if she knew everything.

"Look." Nakatanggap ng pagtaas ng kilay niya ang sinabi kong iyon. Hindi ko pinansin. "I'm okay. Kaya kong mag-trabaho. Wala akong blackouts, wala akong anxiety attacks—no telltale sign of an impending mental breakdown."

"And you'd know the signs of a mental breakdown because you've had one?"

Naningkit ang mga mata ko. "This is pointless, Doc. I'm fine."

"You will forgive me if I find that hard to believe."

"Well, why?"

"Because for one, Autumn, you've operated on a kid while you were held at gunpoint. Then one of your staff was shot in the head right in front of you and you were forced to continue the operation while you watch the man die. No one expects you to be okay after that."