From The Ashes

Chapter 1 - Survive

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How long till it feels

Like the wound's finally starting to heal?

How long till it feels

Like I'm more than a spoke in a wheel?

Most nights, I fear that I'm not enough

I've had my share of Monday mornings when I can't get up

But when hope is lost and I come undone...

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December 13, 1991

Marlena

"It's good to be home," Roman said as we disembarked the plane, and walked into the busy terminal at the Salem Airport.

"Yeah," I replied, but honestly I wasn't feeling very good at all. I'd been so sad since saying goodbye to John in my hut the day before. It didn't sit well. The perfect solution, and yet I knew it was going to take time to adjust to my new life.

"Well, you could be a little more enthusiastic about it," Roman told me as he followed me towards the exit.

Should I be enthusiastic? I wasn't sure what I was feeling, honestly. I crossed my arms across my chest, turning towards him as I said, "You know what? I'm tired. It was an awfully long flight."

He stared at me for a moment, and then conceded. "Yeah. A long flight will give you a lot of time to think. Maybe second-guess all the steps we made in Mexico?"

My first thought was yes, but I said, "No. To consider our next move." I was thinking about the children, and how their lives would be affected. I was thinking about John. I said, "Telling the children. It could be complicated."

He scoffed. "Doc, we've talked about this. I know it's going to be tough, but kids that age, they're pretty resilient."

"They're not as resilient as you think they are," I replied. I was shocked that he seemed to be taking what we were about to do so lightly. Sami and Eric knew no other parent besides John for the previous six years. We would be severing that connection, taking away the only stability in their lives. It could be horribly traumatizing.

He seemed to be irritated. "Then what are you suggesting? That we let them go on thinking that John is their father?"

"No," I said quickly. "No. No, of course I'm not." My chest tightened when I glanced up, and my eyes met John's across the crowded terminal. Was it always going to hurt that much, I wondered. Would I always want to be near him when I saw that painful look in his eyes? I watched Isabella smile at him, and say something, then I glanced at Roman. He was watching me curiously, but I was frozen as I looked back towards Isabella, watching her pull John in our direction. His pained expression said everything. He wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. We weren't ready. Not yet. It was still too fresh, too raw.

I heard him say, "Isabella, hold on!"

She turned to face him. "What? What's the matter?"

He glanced in my direction, and I should have looked away, but I couldn't. He looked away instead, trying to lower his voice, but I still heard him. "Do you think I want to be home? No, nevermind. I take that back. This isn't my home. It used to be where all my friends and family were, but not anymore."