As the judge bangs her gavel I feel the handcuffs around my wrists tighten. I could only think one thing, was it all worth it? My freedom will be stripped from me for these next 10 years and I'm only., my life will be on a constant schedule behind those four walls while everyone else is running free. I will suffer the consequences while the niggas I used to call my homies get to go home to their friends and families. Sad isn't it, being loyal doesn't always get you far, sometimes it traps you in a prison system, that's what it did to me.
As the court officers escort me out I take a look at my family's faces, my mom wailing loudly over my older sister's shoulder snot mixed with tears running down her cheeks. My younger sister on the other hand has a poker face, I can tell she's trying to bottle her emotions, trying to pretend she isn't phased by the news, but deep down I know her heart is broken. Watching her older brother get escorted out of court with shackles binding his hands and feet together will always weigh heavy on her heart. "Im so sorry" is all I could think, I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry sis, I tried. I really did try to give this life up, but no matter how hard I tried it kept finding me. I couldn't escape my past and now it has finally caught up to me.
The door finally slams behind me and I feel the tears I've been holding back stream down my down my face. This is it. For the next 10 years I will be a pawn to the white man's system. Theirs to control and to toy with until they get bored, but I can't complain I chose this life. It was either be poor or get rich the fast way, and I chose the latter. I couldn't stand to see my family struggling, my momma stressing over bills while trying to put clothes on our backs and food in our mouths. I was tired, so I did what needed to be done. Do I regret my choices? Sometimes I like to think I do so I can feel like I'm becoming a better person, but in reality I don't. I don't regret buying my mom a house, I don't regret getting my siblings everything they wished for Christmas, and I definitely don't regret getting my brother through college. Does that make me a bad guy? It shouldn't, but the judicial system seems to think differently.
The guards escort me and a few other inmates onto a bus. They roughly handle us while mumbling nasty comments under their breath. Now the old Jonathan would've told them to speak up but I'm not him anymore, so I say nothing. The bus ride to the facility was painfully quiet, letting my thought roam loudly. I look beside me and see a middle aged white man, he looks beat. His face is unshaven and his eye is black, I wonder what happened to him? He looks in my direction causing me to see the rest of his face. There's a small word carved on his left cheek, "rapist." Well, let's see how long he lasts I thought to myself while turning back to the window and shutting my eyes. As we make our way off the bus I look towards the building I will be calling home for the next 10 years. It looks shitty so I know not to expect any better on the inside. They line us up and all I feel is the hot sun beating down my back while the sweat drips down my face. It's not like I could wipe it off with my hands cuffed so I watch it roll down the tip of my nose and splat on the ground.
They finally walk us into the building, I feel the slightly brisk air hit me, even though is not much cooler than outside, it still felt nice. The day goes by slowly and all I could think about was my family. Do they miss me? Do they hate me? Do they wish I was different? Will they ever forgive me? No, I can't keep thinking about things I can't control. All that's going to do is drive me crazy and cause me to extend my time in this hellhole. Okay then, let me think of things that I can control. I have control over what I do with my time in here. I glance at my flat belly and my skinny arms, I mean I could use some weight. Working out will definitely keep me busy, so that's a good start. What else could I do in here? I look around my cell, not too much space but I suppose I could start meditating in the morning to clear my head. My stomachs grumbles, I'm so fucking hungry. Dinner already rolled by and it was atrocious. My stomach couldn't handle the sight of whatever monstrosity was sitting on my plate so I just gave my food to the guy sitting next to me who happened to devour the shit within seconds. "Trifling ass nigga" I thought to myself as the memory faded away.
I spent the whole day in my cell, planning on what I can do to keep me sane and productive. As I hear the guards do bed check my cell mate creeps in our cell. "Oh shit" he whispers as I hear something metal hit the floor with a loud clang. He swiftly picks it up, pockets it and climbs onto the top bunk. I wonder what he dropped. I stare at the bottom of his bunk and watch is body wight evenly distribute among the hard ass cot. He shifts around a bit causing the cot to slide with his every move until he finds a comfortable position and his body stills. I can't sleep, but there isn't anything I can do. I can't leave my cell, and I don't have anything in here to keep me busy, so I lose myself in my thoughts again.
FLASHBACK
" Aye Black kill this nigga." Melly says while pointing a gun at the man's wife. My hands start to slightly shake. I hear the alarm ringing in the back, the police can't be too far, fuck. I have to do this, there's no other way. If we leave them alive they'll just tell the police and get us caught, I can't have that happen. I look at his face, he's crying, begging me not to kill him or to at least spare his wife. "BLACK DO IT" Melly screams at me again. I raise my gun to his forehead, why the fuck won't he look away! "Please sir, we won't say anything, please just please let us live!" His wife cry's at us. "SHUT UP BITCH." Melly yells at her, he then pistol whips her making her head snap in the other direction. "Nigga I swear if we get caught I'll kill you myself." He says while placing his gun back on her head.
I look back towards her husband. He's trembling in fear "please don't do this" he whispers out one last time. "It's either him or you black" is all I can think. Him or you, him or you, HIM OR YOU! I pull my trigger, instantly his body drops. His wife starts shrieking, but within seconds Melly shoots her too, making her body drop alongside her husbands. I felt the warm blood splatter all over my face and my breath starts racing. I feel disoriented for a couple seconds, my vision and hearing tune out and all I feel is the weight of the gun in my hands. "BLACK COME ON" I hear Melly's voice pierce through my ears and reality snaps back. As I gain my senses I take a look around. Both bodies laid out surrounded by a pool of blood. I did this, this is all my fault. No, no it's not my fault, I'm just a kid. All I wanted was for my family to stop struggling, why did this have to happen?
I feel my chest tighten making my knees buckle a bit. No no no no no, this wasn't supposed to happen. We were just supposed to take the money and go, why did they wake up? Why did he come downstairs? Why why why? I feel Melly's hand yank my shoulder back "NIGGA IS YOU TRYNA GET CAUGHT?" he yells at me. He's right, we need to finish what we started. I glance at the long elegant table that stretches across the dining room. On top of the finely detailed ivory sits 2 heavily stuffed black bags. I walk towards them and pick one up while Melly reaches for the other. Instantly I take off running. "Aye nigga wait for me" I can hear him yelling behind me, but I don't listen. I just keep running. Ive ran for about 3 minutes now and I start to hear police sirens from the direction I came from. Damn, that's was quick. I start running faster if that's even possible. With every step I feel the breath leave my chest but I don't stop, I can't. If I stop my life will be over.
