Making Choices

The Notification

(Please be aware this is 18+ only NSFW slow burn. It is on it's first edit, not it's final so there will be some issues here and there. I would love every and all feedback as I would like to publish this book traditionally when finished. Thank you so much for your love and support. Also the title of the story might change as well, please add to your library to keep track of it)

"The problem with writing this, is that I will never know if you read it. I will never know if you will understand. And I will never...." Evelyn stopped typing on her computer. Her eyes glazed over with tears, blurring her vision once more. She was tired of keeping quiet, tired of not saying how she felt, but she was scared and worried that this would change them forever. Why wouldn't it? She loved him more than he could ever know. But she knew, that he didn't love her. At least not in the same way.

This couldn't have been more clear to her than their last hangout. He joked about it being a date. She hoped it was. She dressed up for it in a way he didn't always get to see from her. A sweet pale sundress, a leather jacket, and matching shoes. She even did her makeup, even though she worried he wouldn't like it. "I prefer natural, not a fan of makeup" he once said. The day was nice, she loved how his dark brown eyes widened when he saw her, made her think he might actually have feelings for her. He cleared his throat and ran his hands through his hair as he has so many times before and concentrated on driving. But then within a few minutes, his new girlfriend called. He panicked a bit, but quickly fixed his persona. "Lin, this is my girlfriend Rachel." He said. She was in shock. He never mentioned her before. After that all he could talk about was her. How much he liked her, even loved, but also how many issues she has that irritated him. She was polite, talking to him through it all. Even though her heart broke with every word he said.

She took a deep breath, wiping the tears away with her cardigan sleeve before they fell onto her white tank-top. She cleared her throat and reread the last paragraph. It sounded so pathetic and desperate now that she looked at it. She read it again and again until she knew the words by heart. "God I'm a sad fuck" She whispered choking up again. She slowly moved the mouse icon across the screen and hovered over the delete button. She held it there, considering the results of her actions. If she deleted this, her feelings will stay stuck in the cage of her heart forever. She will continue to watch him happily date other woman, she wouldn't be able to move on because it was stuck inside of her. But if she sent it...

Oh, if she sent it. She could lose him all together. They were great friends. Closer than she ever considered she ever was with mostly anyone. She would lose his laugh, his jokes, his serious long winded explanations of things she would never understand. She would lose the late night conversations, the morning wishes of their goals to be achieved. She would lose him calling her hun, looking at her like he could see right through her, like he could devour her until there was nothing left of her. But he couldn't see could he? If he did he would know how much he meant to her, he would know she loved him. Evelyn didn't think he knew that. Because who would talk to their best friend about their girls, and all the sticky details of their love life if they knew that their best friend felt that way? An asshole she supposed, but he wasn't an asshole. At least she didn't think he was.

Was it worth it? Would it be worth it? To lose everything with him because she couldn't handle her own feelings? Because she couldn't help but love someone she can't have....again? Yes again. This wasn't the first time she fell in love with someone that didn't see her. Didn't notice the love she poured into them. Frankly, it was exhausting. When was someone going to love what she gave? What she brought to them? Who she was?

She pressed delete.

Not him, not today, not anytime soon, perhaps not ever.

She sat back on her chair staring at the now blank page in her e-mail to Jason. "Shit" She groaned slamming her head on the table letting the last remnants of tears to flow down her cheeks and onto her bare lap. She sat there with her eyes closed, taking deep precise breaths to calm the anxiety that had spiked for the last half hour of writing this letter. "Shit shit fuck shit fuck" she moaned out.