My Blessing

Is there a world where I can be happy...a world where all this pain, suffering, and sin can disappear altogether? Yes, it is called heaven. It can take all of this away. In my world though, heaven does not exist. At least not anymore.

It did once, but it was taken away from me by time. Not a place, but a person. My piece of heaven was Megumi Fushiguro. "Will I ever be worthy of heaven?" I always wondered. The closest I could have gotten was being with him. But I wasn't, and time knew it, so time eventually took him.

My sin. The Shibuya incident. I have done horrible things. I try not to dwell on it-he wouldn't want me to. He forgave me. He told me we were in this together, and sometimes I still feel like we are, even with him gone. My soul aches for him each passing day. I try not to be selfish. I try not to wish he would come back. He deserves the rest he earned. The place he is worthy to be.

Death is the separation of yin and yang. My missing piece. The one that made me whole. The emptiness surging all around me. I always think this is what I deserve for the lives I've taken. Families I've broken must have felt the same way. Empty. Lucky for them, they age and fade in a beautiful way. Free from the suffering. Death is the separation of yin and yang, but I cannot die like the rest.

It is something I want, but will never reach for. I know the thought is wrong. He would slap me if he knew what crosses my mind most days. So for him, I stay. I breathe. I want it, but will not chase it.

Days pass like minutes without him. Without Megumi, the pain is all too real. I will continue to live like this. Carrying this curse, because I am one. I have accepted my fate. I am the most cursed person on this planet because I was never worthy of him.

My blessing.