Gethsemane

craving what destroys me

you ask if I want to grab something to eat

-casually

but your eyes aren't casual when they see me

they're heavy with anniversaries

I can see it

the way nostalgia sits on your shoulders

like it sits on mine,

even when I brush it off

(these same dates are familiar to you as well)

I tell you no, when I want to say yes

two months sober,

and today I wanted to relapse again

-it's cruel how you both show up at once

dressed in comfort

whispering what I want to hear

I don't know which craving is louder

the drugs, or your warmth

I wanted to live there again,

in the version of us that I thought

would exist today

but the sad truth is that you'll never meet

the man I've become and that sucks

because you would really adore him.

these same boundaries are proof

that I love myself

more than I miss you

so I spend another night alone

but sober.