Parents

Parents.

Support, love, trust.

Or at least that's what comes to mind when you think of the word.

But what about doubt, criticism, judgement?

They are in the parents just as much as them.

'Don't bounce your leg, don't chew your lip,

stop doing that, you're making people think-'

Think what?! That I'm a kid?

That the picture-perfect child is not as perfect as they think?

Because I'm not. He's not, she's not, we're not.

But you ignore it and tell us all to stop.

Stop what?! Stop feeling like that?

To pretend I am fine and to fit in the chart?

The diagram you created, the expectations of me,

since the day I was born telling me what to be?

'No!' I yell. 'I can't live this way.

I can't lie to myself so you can feel okay.'

And just when I stand up and fight for me, it comes.

The alter ego everybody else knows.

The one that comes to tell me 'I am sorry',

To say 'I love you, everything's okay, don't worry'.

And you hug me and convince me the caring parent is there,

and I break down in your embrace, not caring whether somebody would stare.

Your sweet bitter words and affection melt away

my pain, my tears, the hurt, the worries of the day.

The storm calms down, my head goes silent,

And when I go to bed, I feel safe, I feel lighter.

Until tomorrow comes and reality punches me in the gut.

All the happiness I felt and the smile on the face that you put

now vanished. Because you go back

to the parent I know and remember I have.

But what I actually cannot confess

Is that I hate more what comes after this.

Your words - they cut me so deep, and they hit me so hard,

And the worst thing is that this isn't even the worst part.

What's worse is that you can't even wait an hour to switch.

To change into the parent who is loving and which

Will tell me they love me, will say 'it's okay',

and will hug me and make me break down right away.

And on the inside, I scream, I burn, I cry

and I grit my teeth, and pick my nails,

and bounce my leg and I can't deny

that I don't know you!

I've known you my whole life

and still don't know why I love you.

You don't change, don't acknowledge that I'm hurting,

and when I try to explain it to you, you brush me off and say 'that's nothing'.

And I hate you. I hate you and myself

because I can't decide if I want to run away

or love you or hug you or yell in your face...

But I stay silent. Because I've done it before.

And I really, really cannot fight you anymore.

I bottle up and I hide my heart

all because I fear you will stomp on it and rip it once again apart,

and the only thought that keeps me going

Is that I will move away.

And you won't scold me, or annoy me,

and you will not be able to control me.

And yet, I cry when I think of what it would be

when I'm 'free'.

Because you made me this way and I hate it.

I hate you.

But then I remember again

The hard times, and your love, and the smile you have

And I can't demonize it, because you're my parent!

And a parent shouldn't be this way.

Shouldn't make me want to fade away.

I don't know you. So, I will stay silent

Because I love you and I can't bear the sight of your sadness.

And I can only truly ever wish you happiness...

but only after I have moved away.