Parasitic Codependency

TUESDAY, 20 August 1974

    I saw smoke south of the bridge, likely from the Biryulyovo district. The Biryulyovo district was considered one of the worst in Moscow, and also the district I'm living in. I didn't move to Moscow for a nice district anyways. I had my reasons, but I suppose writing it down is as dangerous as confessing. when I'm done here, I'll go back to Šiauliai, and everyone I know will go back to where they're from. The bridge ended and the road began. I could see the coffee shop about a block away. The weather was unremarkable, as it was 23 degrees. I stepped into the cafe. I recognized the teenager working that day, Yelana Ivanova, but I did not acknowledge the fact. I got my usual black coffee, and started walking north again. I rarely stayed out this late, but I suppose today is an exception. I spotted a propaganda poster in the window of a business. I scanned over it briefly, 'Здорово и вечно', the poster cried in bold red letters with pro-communist symbolism. I tore down the poster and kept walking. Though there was no longer a curfew imposed on Moscow's residents, it was often more trouble than it was worth to stay out this late. Especially for me, as my Lithuanian features would be suspicious in confrontation. The people out this late have an excuse, whether they are alcoholics in bars, or people who work night shifts to keep the communist ship afloat. Walking towards Borovitskaya I thought about what it would entail to be a normal citizen. I was momentarily ripped from my thoughts as the nearest streetlight shone it's fluorescent light into my eyes. Before stepping into the light, I looked back. Chills danced up my spine as I recognized the man no more than 3 meters behind me. I wasn't scared of being followed, I was terrified of the man following me.

     I sped up, pulling my sweater to my chest like a disguise—though it wouldn't help. He had seen me before I could hide  in my sweater. The subway station, that was just up ahead was just out of reach. At this point, I was aware that I had made a near fatal mistake. "Audra", his voice was stern with a thick Russian accent. A million thoughts ran through my head, none of them being that I would survive this.

     'This is a sick, parasitic codependency' That's was I was thinking when I felt it. A blistering pain in my back. Somehow I hadn't heard the gunshot. I stumbled and fell, my typical strength was nil to the destruction of a bullet. I felt as though I couldn't breathe. I tried to pull myself up with the strength I no longer had. I failed, coughing up blood and sinking to the pavement. my blood painted the pavement like a cruel morning dew. I closed my eyes, a moment of rest that I needed. The strange, momentary calmness came with panic at the realization that this is where I would die. I felt the blood seep into my shirt and sweater. I had been shot by the man who smiled for camera's. The man who everyone saw as a level-headed leader. How was I such a problem that Yuri Ivanov himself had designated himself my executioner.

     Am I failing Olivia and Krīstine? my siblings, and my co-conspirators. I could imagine what they're doing, Krīstine is writing on her typewriter, working till she's numb. Olivia is sitting on the floor, reading banned books. I could feel my own banned book in my bag, pressing against my ribs, but it didn't hurt. Everything that happened here will be forgotten. The blood will disappear, my body too. I will be a cautionary tale. I hope someone will save me, but this life isn't a fairy tale. no Knight in shining armor exists here, only people in grey uniforms, silent, and emotionless pawns.

When my time is up, have I done enough?

Chapter 23 of Audra Kazlauskas life ends abruptly, just like 'Rue' Kazlauskas.

but in no mans land, there will be life. it just takes time, to heal.