Fifty Shades of Pink-Eye

Who's Jack?

"Y-yes," he swallowed.

"If I find out you were the one who attempted to steal Emily's necklace, I will end your life," I warned, "but for now, you are innocent until proven guilty. But I gots my eyes on you," I said in my African American accent. I should probably name my alter ego. Laquisha, that's a good name.

Jacob nodded and sat down at the table, eating his pancakes in silence. Lady Gaga entered the room next and sat at the table quietly. Jacob shifted very uneasily in his seat whilst eyeing her, and looked back down to his food, cheeks flaming red.

Rosie shuffled into the dining room, Esmeralda in her hands, wearing a bright pink ribbon around its neck. Surely that wasn't hygienic.

"Hey Rose, do you think it's sanitary to have a pigeon you adopted from the wharf dumpster around our food and at the table?" I asked.

"I gave Esmeralda a bath, and I even gave her a bow. See?" She pointed towards the pink material around the pigeon’s neck. "I even baptized her. It's safe to say that the power of Christ has compelled her."

"Okay, nice to know," I said slowly, watching her feed the pigeon little bits of pancake. Then I got curious.

"Hey, where does Esmeralda go potty?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"Oh, I take her outside of the boat to do her business. I don't want her wrecking the bed. It's so comfortable, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I do." I wished I was back in the bed. It's so weird; I've been unexplainably tired ever since last night.

"So what's on the agenda for today?" I asked Emily.

"Well, we're bound to arrive at the airport later tonight, so I think it'd be great if we utilised the employees we have. I think it's time for a show," Emily said looking at Christina and Lady Gaga with her oozing, pink eyes.

                                                                                         *

"So how is this sing-off going to work?" I asked.

"Well, each singer gets to sing two songs each, and will be judged on the volume of applause they receive," Dr Chang said.

Jacob was sitting in the corner of the entertainment room clad in Lady Gaga merchandise. It was clear which singer he was rooting for.

"Okay, who is going first?" I asked.

"Christina," Sophia replied. "I heard she's very good."

Everybody – including Catherine – was sitting in the entertainment room on large comfortable recliners, faced towards the stage. The stage was quite large, I observed as Christina walked onto the stage. She held the microphone loosely in one hand and then the music began to play. I heard the first few piano chords and notes played, and I recognized the song - ‘Start of Something New’, from High School Musical. It was a surprising choice.

Then she opened her mouth, and the sound that came out was absolutely divine, it was a voice that made people take their clothes off and do inexplicable things. Christina's voice sounded like an immaculate conception of Jesus and John Mayer – but you know, female.

I looked around the room, aware that each face mimicked mine – jaw dropped to the floor, and eyes shining like diamonds – except for Emily's of course; they were still infected and pink. Christina strutted down the stage, in front of Emily and sang.

“”And now, looking in your eyes/I feel in my heart/the start of something new.”” Yeah, Christina was right. Looking in Emily’s eyes, you’d see something new – I mean Super Pink-Eye is a completely new infection.

The song ended, and I broke out of my trance that her dulcet voice had induced.

"Thank you," Christina said after the song. A loud applause erupted from the room; even Jacob was clapping like his Lady Gaga merchandise was dependent on it. Open mouthed, I applauded loudly, making my hands go red in the process. Christina jumped off the stage and sat in the recliner next to Emily in the front row.

“Wow, she is ah-may-zing,” Sophia said, also wide-eyed and open-mouthed,

“Hell yeah; I have no idea how Lady Gaga is going to follow that,” I said.

“There’s no way...”

I heard the sound of heels clicking onto the wood of the stage, so I focused my attention in that direction, watching as Lady Gaga, clad in a dress made entirely of small plush toys, stood in front of the microphone. A high pitched, girly scream erupted from the corner, and I turned to find Jacob ripping his clothes off, pretty much frothing from his mouth.

Lady Gaga had decided to sing Born This Way, and Jacob followed along with every lyric until he had passed out. Dr Chang decided that some of us should drag him outside to get some fresh air.

“I should probably go outside anyway since it’s time for Esmeralda to do her business,” Rosie said.

“I’m coming, I need some air,” Lady Gaga said.

“Yeah, I’ll come too,” Emily said. “Oh yeah, Dr Chang, it’s time for my antibiotics,” she reminded.

Dr Chang administered Emily with a few pills and a bottle of water that was stored in a mini fridge nearby. Upon taking the pills, Emily seemed to look a bit woozy, swaying a little whilst holding one hand to her chest where her necklace lay glinting. Dr Chang eyed the pendant with a strange look upon her face.

*

The sun shone brightly on the bow of the boat, and the fresh ocean air was very refreshing. Jacob was left on a reclining chair, sheltered by a large umbrella.

Emily had gone straight to the edge of the boat and leant over the railings, wearing on her face, a faraway expression. Lady Gaga had followed her there and was speaking to her in hushed tones. I thought I caught a few words of the conversation like “necklace” and “pendant”, but I didn’t manage to catch the rest of the conversation.

Rosie was struggling to keep Esmeralda on the bow of the boat. I was surprised that Esmeralda hadn’t already escaped since Rosie happened to be the clumsiest person I know, and I was well acquainted with Jacob Collington, which is saying quite a lot.

In the background, I could hear the most beautiful cover of ‘My Heart Will Go On’, which was, of course, sung by Christina. How fitting, I thought, that she should sing this on a boat.

Suddenly the boat lurched forward and backward, throwing me out of balance. I clenched onto the side railing to keep from falling over again. Dr Chang landed next to me, and Jacob was thrown awake onto the floor of the deck. Lady Gaga was thrust forward, pinning Emily in between her and the railing. Then everything seemed to happen all at once.

With the song playing beautifully in the background, I caught snippets of Emily saying to Lady Gaga “Jack, I feel like I’m flying,” followed by her response: “who’s Jack?” At the same time, Jacob threw up all over the deck, whilst Esmeralda flew away in a once chance escape from the Pigeon Whisperer. Rosie, trying to catch Esmeralda, slipped on Jacob’s vomit, and lying on her stomach in the puddle of vomit, she cried with an arm outstretched, “I loved you! I loved you like you were my own!”

Esmeralda who had flown about ten metres from the boat, circled, and headed back towards the boat. “I knew you’d come back,” Rosie exclaimed. “I knew you wou –“

Rosie’s cries were cut short by Esmeralda’s poop which had dropped directly and expertly into Rosie’s mouth. She spat. “Son of a bitc—“