Arctic Edge

Holding onto small Grudges.

I've been waiting for something far greater than what is desired of me. I've known for some time, and as he approaches, I surrender. 

I recite this song as though it's a magical chant. It's kept me sane throughout these few years.

It's more than a song; it's a reminder that I exist. That I'm not a shadow.

Recently, it's become a prayer. I need someone to rekindle a lost passion in my life, beyond the rink and on it.

I had always hoped it would be my old partner, but that wasn't God's design for me or for my sister's.

I could hear the other skaters behind me. It brings me out of my daze. I smile as they pass, looking back at my parents' photos. I was cleaning the trophy cabinet. My mom had the most dazzling smile, and my Dad looked like a total goofball next to her.

I was fifteen when we lost her. I'm seventeen now and just as lost without her. My Dad's a mess, and everyone's pretending not to see it. He's putting so much pressure on my big sister, Elise, that I'm afraid she's going to crack, and it won't be pretty. 

I've noticed it for a while. Her love of skating is an act, and whenever I ask her if she wants to take a break, it's like dodging an invisible wound. If she leaves the ice, we're all doomed because I don't skate anymore.

Our little sister, Maria, is a long way from becoming a professional skater—one who could provide financial aid to the rink. 

I wish I could help, but I don't have a true reason to skate anymore. It's not the same without my old partner. I let him go, and it was my biggest regret, but I would never tell him that, especially now that he's coming back with a different skating partner.

I've been helping around the office, but my main job is working at this amazing ski resort in Wentworth. It helps to keep the lights and water running, but not enough to keep everything going. 

My sisters don't know, and I've been doing everything I possibly can to make sure they don't. Our credit cards are overdrawn by $30,000 and counting. My Dad refuses to listen to reason, focusing only on future wins rather than now.

I've had to lie to keep this place running. 

"Hey, Kiddo." My Dad pulls my hair. I readjust the frame and walk beside him. "Hey, I'm glad you came. I almost thought I had to track you down. This is the last time: no more cancellations or last-minute changes. I've been talking with the bank's staff, and we've come up with a plan. You and Mom worked so hard, but we need to be practical. Pinch and save where we can."

"This doesn't concern you, and I don't like how you're going behind my back."

"I've been hearing you say that for this whole year. This is where I'm drawing the line. You either listen to what I have to say, or I will tell my sisters, or better yet, blast it on socials. You decide after Elise's competition, I need an answer."

I walked away, not giving my Dad a chance. I was so scared, but I had to do it. 

For the next fifteen minutes, my sisters and I waited in the car for our Dad. "Lise, do you have everything?" She rolls her eyes, and I do my signature move by crossing my arms. "Yes, I have everything. I double checked and triple checked."

"Guys, come on." We look at Maria. For her, I would play nice. 

I went on Instagram to pass the time. I ended up scrolling my ex's page. He was my first ever boyfriend. First ever anything, really. Freddie O'Connor. He's gotten taller, a significant gut punch to my self-esteem.

I noticed he hasn't taken down any of our old photos of each other, on or off the ice. I didn't either, and sometimes I wonder if he ever does, will I do the same?