I'm so tired of life. I'm tired of everything. I wish I never existed. I wish I could just disappear from this misery. Maybe then nobody would have to suffer from me. I'm such a bad friend. I try too hard. I'm horrible. I'm cringe. And I know for a fucking damn fact that nobody actually likes me. They either use me cause i'm too gullible or because of my academic achievements. I hate this kind of life. I can go on, on and on about how I know nobody would attend my funeral. And I could go on for hours talking about how much I want to die.
Years of torture from this world. Years and years of solving people's problems but never my own. Tomorrow I leave for three days. Will anyone miss me? Will anyone ask where I am? Will anyone ever think about me? I once disappeared ten days. I came back and instead of having the "I MISS YOU SOO MUCH" and crying I got the "You're already back?" "Oh hey..." and the worst part. I'm used to it. It all started with seeking comfort. Trusting person after person only to realize if you're not rich you can't be apart of them or they'd think they're being used or you're a free loader...so yeah...disappearing 10 days wasn't enough. Then disappearing forever is the only solution.
My heart aches of loneliness everyday. I dropped my phone today and there is a huge block covering my screen: "i can't afford it ask your dad" you ask your dad "I can't afford it. Fuck off" that's a day in my life. Getting lectured, crying myself to sleep. I couldn't even have a normal birthday because of this stupid "No money" shit . On Christmas I got treated like a dangerous virus because I sneezed. Turns out it was my sister being paranoid. What to do in life if you just don't want to live? Any Ideas?
I have a trauma of being beat up. Ever since a kid I was his punching bag. Not human, not living. Just something to punch wherever whenever. My friends leave me because I always mess things up. My siblings call me cringe and useless. I trust people I don't think I can trust. This all leads to me knowing
The people who hurt you the most are the ones closest to you
26-12-25
-S
