Journal, vent or wtv

Journal diary log thing 1

5 dec 11:00pm

I'm trying to go to bed but I feel sick again, I keep getting upset over the smallest of things but I know it's all because I'm losing motivation to do the things I used to love. I feel like I don't have my life in order, like it kinda should be even though I know I'm young enough for it not to be. I feel like I'm already on the brink of burning out and I did nothing today that was productive like I told myself I would do and I know it's gonna eat me up because I'm 'busy' tomorrow and I don't think I'll have much time to do it. It feels weird writing out my thoughts so I'll probably spiral or talk about something unrelated but wtv. I gotta do planning/log into an account for an event I have to work 6months on, pick very important life changing things before march next year, do my maths and eng hw, my science aswell as my pe revision for some fucking reason. Why do we need to revise for pe when my teacher hasn't been in for the last fucking 5months bcs of an injury(hope she feels better soon)🫠 bcs of that we've been doing some crappy health related fitness thing which I don't even need to do as I separately work on my physical health-although that hasn't been going so well lately. 

I feel like I can trust my friends but I don't think I can to the point of venting to them, neither my parents bcs when I try it's never valued the same way I feel and then I feel selfish for doing so. I wish I were loved, like romantically. I don't think I've ever been crushed on-I'm always the one that asks out people.

I have been in a few relationships but they were kinda unhealthy and we didn't realise trust or talk about ourselves or each over in a deeper actually involved relationship ifygwim. And then the relationship I did have that was actually one I valued-she fucking moved away and broke up with me blaming it on the long distance. It might've been, I still care for her-not romantically anymore as that was a long time ago and I wish her the best. I'm just sick of not being the one people talk about or crush on in that way. I don't know whether my confidence has dropped but I feel shit about everything I do and the only thing that's keeping me running is my mates and my dog. It's nothing serious in the dangerous way but I just feel shit and I wish someone would actually hold me and talk to me, about there problems too. 

Another thing I guess. This one friend who is really fucking manipulative. Examples: to all her other friends(that she has now insulted and lost) she would talk behind there back then say sorry to them without meaning. I genuinely mean it when I think sorry is a word I can't even comprehend from her mouth anymore, it's meaningless and overused when there isn't action or genuine empathy. I had been friends with her and another girl, it was a duo in a trio friendship and I didn't mind being a lil left out because I still felt appreciated and that wasn't the problem, it was more so I was a backup and then this girl would keep being genuinely rancid to other people. In present she is still saying shit to people, for context I have been trying to distance from that group for the last year and a bit now but she still keeps coming over and acting like she adores me. It's pissing me off and I have just acted like a friendly acquaintance instead to her but she still thinks we are close and keeps being weird to me. Sounds weird to write but she keeps slapping my ass and when we were changing in the changing rooms she was chatting to one of my current friends and came up behind me and pinged my bra, I spun around and said fuck off pretty loudly before spinning back around as I was too scared to see her reaction, once again it was the sorrrryyyysssss and high pitched *my irl name* over and over again. She makes me so uncomfortable I actually hate it. I've told her to stop but she keeps pissing me off and I'm not even that bad with physical touch. Like genuinely-as a joke and affection platonically I allow my real close friends to do stuff like that but when she, the same fucking girl I barely talk to and CLEARLY don't want to talk to comes over and does that it just pisses me off even more. She's manipulative and narcissistic but once again-I'm ms goody bloody two shoes so I'm not gonna say anything that would get me into trouble. Course not. Why would I do that. Fucking hell. 

Look, I don't entirely blame her, she has a SHIT ton of problems herself and when I was close -ish with her I'd allow her to vent to me but it doesn't excuse her of her actions. I feel hopeless cuz deep down I know she is just a hurt girl but she is making other people hurt too and it's over bearing. I have changed my user pfp and name so one of my close friends I have given it too doesn't think anything of it, hopefully, if your reading this tho-don't bring it up please, I'm safe just venting, sorry.

I have 3more things/topics that I shall grace (not rlly lol) the most likely 1 or 2 viewers eyes with. I guess I should start with my academic pressure or wtv it's called. I am a classified nerd but idrc bcs I feel at a constant basis that if I get good grades things will be easier in my life, and if I don't then I'm fucked cuz how am I supposed to handle myself if I don't. So this means I'm just at a constant state of heavy revising to then burn out and I do this with sports and all of my other quote on quote 'talents' or hobbies for a better word. I feel like I have to be the best of the best all of the time and I feel like a hypocrite for telling my friends to make sure they balance their life. Idk man I'm just tired. I don't think I've ever been asked if I was ok with them starting the convo off and meaning it in the 'vent to me I'm here' way. I'll always have to ask to vent which I feel selfish for doing anyway so here I am, at now 11:30pm. 

Secondly I suppose I could say how I have always been and always will be the black sheep of the family. The 'extroverted' one which I'm shocked to even say anymore bcs I know I fucking ain't. My family are extremely introverted and very goal based whereas I'm 'everywhere at once and leave unfinished projects where they are and never return back to them' kinda girl lol. It feels wrong but it isn't a main factor that's weighing me down, the main factor is my older brother.

My brother: I love him I really do and I think he does love me too but he never shows it. We don't ever talk, he's extremely-like EXTREMELY introverted and we have very different views on how people should or shouldn't be. I'm not gonna go into detail but he pretty much thinks all of the stuff I secretly am is wrong, he says it in a monotone tone aswell. He doesn't realise how close the enemy is lol. We don't talk much at all, i remember our fights as a kid and I kinda miss them, he's actually in the room next to me as I'm writing this. I wish we actually had a bond. Like a proper sibling one where we could talk about good and bad things. I don't think we ever will and it's liked twisting the knife because I really badly want to be atleast his friend. When I was 7 I had a massive Minecraft faze and considering I was/am a girl, not many people played Minecraft out of my friends at the time so I was lonely asf. I asked him and he'd get annoyed at me. When we did play he'd shout at me to do better or that I was oblivious to everything and that I should be more aware of where I was, when I just wanted to play with him for the joy of playing with him. I'd listen to him playing online with his friends all the time and I stopped asking to play after a fist fight we had when he got annoyed at me, I was in the wrong I admit I was being a prick but still. I miss him. I miss when I was 4 and id poke my head over and watch him play Roblox for hours, just watch, not play, just watch, giggling at his expressions. There's been times he's been wholesome for a split second but lately I can't even look or talk to him normally. It's hard, complicated. I just wanted my older brother back, but was he even mentally there? Maybe when I was younger. I think he's going through stuff and I wanna be there for him but I can't when I don't even know him myself, it's like looking at a stranger I am in the same house with.

Lastly, it's not that big of a deal but even if I came out to anyone of my close family(I have come out to a close older cousin that I value more than they probably realise) they probably wouldn't care in a positive way, except my dads side of the family, but they are going through shit with my grandads dementia atm anyway so it ain't the time. I think I'm omni but I also feel weird putting an underused label on it so I'll just call it bi or smth. I don't like labels, don't use them much so this whole thing feels weird but also kinda good to have some re-assurance I guess.

Well hey, this was my first entry log and I know for a fact there will be a lot more. I prob didn't list all the stuff on my mind but tbf I am very much sleep deprived and couldn't care less.

If you wanna comment to maybe help me regulate these things that'd be nice but either way I hope you have a good night

P.s I'm not doing a proof check for typos, icba 😅