Holding on to you [Jeongin]

Holding on to you

Jeongin doesn't know when it starts, or when it started may be the better thing to say. He doesn't know if it happened before stray kids or after stray kids. For all he knows, it could've started when he was a young child and he just didn't know it wasn't something normal. What Jeongin does know, when he realises it's happening, is that he needs to hide it.

He trusts the other members, they've been family to him for as long as he remembers, but he can't even begin to explain what it's like. The internet has been of minor help, every question he asks gives him an answer that diagnoses him with the same disorder but the only treatment seems to be therapy.

He's an idol, he can't go to therapy. Especially not without explaining it to the members.

It happens three times in two weeks after Jeongin becomes aware of it, which doesn't seem too excessive so maybe he'll be fine, he thinks until he remembers it isn't normal. It shouldn't be happening at all.

It takes over his time, even when it's not happening it's all he thinks about. He stays awake late into the night researching it, reading about other people's experiences. The young boy begins to realise that this isn't something new, the chances of it just showing up out of nowhere are highly unlikely, and he starts to remember things from his childhood, the days that blurred right before his eyes and the school events all his hometown friends reminisce about that don't show any hints of existing in his memory.

All of those blanks must mean something.

Jeongin concludes that this problem started years ago. However, that doesn't explain why it's gotten worse now, or how he can make it better.

So he pushes through it all; he wakes up early to go to the gym and eat breakfast at the company before dance practice, he spends time with the members — going back to the dorm to eat lunch or producing music in one of the old studios no one else dares to go in — he goes to his vocal practice sessions every day and prays to improve so the members will focus on that instead of the way he's not really existing outside of his routine anymore.

No one notices.

They have a comeback and no one notices.

They travel to Japan fifteen times in three months and no one notices.

They do a short concert series in Seoul and no one notices.

Jeongin survives six months from realising it's happening and no one notices.

They've started preparing for another comeback, an album set to release in November even though it's currently August. Comeback preparations start with the members being home less. 3racha are almost always in the studio only coming back to the dorm to sleep for a few hours. Danceracha work with the choreographers, piecing together the suggested choreographies and sorting formations. Seungmin and Jeongin are caught between vocal coaching and the studio, recording guide tracks and adlibs and preparing for live performances.

Of course, that means no one notices how Jeongin forgets to eat, or sleep, or brush his teeth. No one notices when he forgets to take his shoes off at the door, or say goodnight to Felix like he has done every single night since the dorms were split into two.

No one notices the way his eyes are unfocused and his body moves through muscle memory rather than any thought going into what it's actually doing.

They all make it to the comeback just fine. The tracks are great, the music videos are great, the choreography is great, the fan response has been enormous.

The first time Chan notices something is different is when they're at the pre recording for music core, it's the second music show since the comeback so all eyes are still on them, the kids shouldn't be tired yet, that usually hits after they Sunday schedules end.