I feel so suffocated. I feel suffocated at home. Which is ironic right, my house is never loud, i'm the only child, just me and my parents. It's very quiet. How can something so quiet be so suffocating. It feels like the air in this house is always so tense. Like there's rarely any room to breathe, my mum has been off, she hasn't seemed like herself in a while. My dad is always off alone doing his own thing. The only time i really see him is when we're having lunch. And then he goes upstairs, on his phone and disappears for the rest of the day. My mum doesn't seem happy or fulfilled, my dad doesn't seem to make things any better. For the longest that i can remember every time we have lunch, he always has to make an unnecessary remarks about what he dosent like, about the smallest things!! and im like jus the grateful for gods sake. She's always cooking everyday, she's doing everything around the house while you're at work, and you can't even put ur plate in the sink. You know what maybe the bare minimum would just be sitting with your wife for a moment instead of eating then rushing upstairs like it's some type of resort or motel. It's frustrating to see. She's alone a lot of the time. Don't get me wrong he's not a bad person, he's not a bad husband I guess either. But a lot of the time he doesn't act like a good one either. I feel suffocated. I feel so alone. I'm not close with my dad. I'm closer with my mum, but lately she's been distant. And i try to figure out what's wrong, i try to talk to her, i try to lighten the mood but she doesn't tell me anything. I feel so suffocated. I'm always alone with my thoughts in this house. No matter what i'm doing i'm always alone with my thoughts. I'm not close with any family, don't have many friends anymore and the ones i do were not as close and don't see each other much. My best friend, the closet person in my life and the most important. I don't get to see her as often as i'd like. So
I feel so suffocated. I feel suffocated at home. Which is ironic, right? My house is never loud. It's just me and my parents. Quiet walls, quiet rooms, quiet everything. But somehow, silence can scream louder than anything. It's like the air itself is heavy, like there's no room left to breathe. My mum's been off lately, not quite herself. My dad's always upstairs, doing his own thing. The only time I see him is at lunch, and even then, it's brief. He eats, makes some unnecessary remark about the food, and disappears again.
It's always the same thing. He'll complain about how salty something is, or that there's too much of this or not enough of that. And I just sit there thinking, can't you just be grateful for once? She's cooking every day, holding this house together, doing everything she can, and you can't even put your plate in the sink or stay downstairs long enough to make her feel seen? Sometimes I want to shake him and say, this isn't a hotel, she's not your housekeeper. It's frustrating to watch. She deserves more than silence and criticism. And I don't mean he's a bad person. He's not cruel or anything. He's just disconnected. Absent in the way that hurts most, not physically, but emotionally. And that's what gets to me, I think. That absence. That distance. It seeps into everything until even the walls feel cold. I'm closer to my mum, but lately even she's been distant. I try to make her laugh, try to ask what's wrong, but she brushes it off every time. I don't know if she's tired, sad, or just done.
And so it's just me. Me and the quiet. Me and the tension that never seems to fade. I walk around this house and feel like I'm holding my breath all the time, like if I exhale too loud, something might break. Maybe that's what suffocation really is. Not the lack of air, but the lack of peace. The feeling of being surrounded by people but still unseen. Of trying to reach out and always hitting glass. I've talked before about how I constantly feel lonely. It's almost embarrassing how familiar that feeling has become, like an unwanted guest that moved in years ago and never left. I can be in the same room as my parents, hearing the faint sound of the TV or the clinking of cutlery, and still feel like I'm miles away from anyone. It's not the kind of loneliness that comes from being physically alone, it's deeper, quieter. It's when you're surrounded by people who love you but can't seem to reach you. Sometimes I wonder if that's just what growing up does. It builds these invisible walls between you and the people who raised you. They're still there, but you stop speaking the same language. You start feeling things they don't ask about, carrying things they wouldn't understand even if you tried to explain. And I get it. They've got their own lives, their own problems, their own unspoken things. But when you live in a house that's full of silence, it's easy to start mistaking it for emptiness. It's easy to start thinking that maybe you're the problem, that maybe you're the reason everyone feels so far away. So yeah, I've talked before about feeling lonely. But lately, it feels heavier. It's like I'm standing in the middle of everything that's supposed to feel like home, and it just doesn't anymore. It's just walls, noise, and people I love who I can't seem to connect with. But I don't always have people. I mean, I have acquaintances, people I talk to, laugh with, sit next to, but no one who really knows me. Not in that raw, unfiltered way. Not the way that makes you feel seen even when you're silent. Everyone feels surface level, like I'm just skimming across the top of every connection I make. I wish I was close to my family, especially my cousins, but I'm not. It's strange because I see them at gatherings or hear about them, but there's never been that real connection. I know we're related, we grew up together, we were raised together, we used to be close, but it feels like we exist in parallel worlds, never quite intersecting. I want that bond, the kind where you can laugh together, share things without thinking twice, and just be, but it's never been there besides us being little kids and talking about video games it stupid kid things.
