crescent ash

chapter. 1

It wasn't the fight that broke me it was watching her leave like we were never whole I tried to make her stop playing it off like nothing happened but she got angry so I started getting serious I begged her to stay but I think I took it too far this time

" Get out of my way I'm not staying another second in this house " she said refusing to look in my eyes

" please I didn't mean that you know I didn't mean it I was angry and I said shit but I didn't mean any of it "

" really ? You know ppl say real feelings come out when you're angry and apparently you never really loved me I don't even know why you're trying right now " I tried to continue to make it up for her but the words got stuck in my throat like a mouthful of ash

"I've had enough of your shit Marlow I've had enough of that I'm sick of watching you destroy yourself and destroy me with you "

"Please I'm just exhausted bec of my mother's accident but I'll be better and we will go back to being a happy loving house "

" And when exactly is that gonna happen I know what happened to your mother is bad and it's hard for you to move on but it's been a month and I'm getting really tired "

" I'm trying to change I swear but I can't just get over it like that okay ? "

She sighed " Marlow I know you're going through shit but I am really tired I miss the old you the one that was full of life the one that really loved me but it's not easy to carry someone else's problems all the time it's not easy to watch you being angry 24/7 a month isn't a short time"

"But you're my wife you should stay by my side "

" Not when your side feels more like a battlefield than a home "

" Please maria you know I love you don't do that don't leave " I grabbed her hand and held it with my own

"I'm not leaving I'm just taking a break from all this chaos "

"A break from you would be the death of me "

" you need to have some time alone we both do and maybe when we both heal we will be able to love each other the way we used to" she carrased my cheek " I love you Marlow and it's hard for me to leave but it's the best for us If we want to continue together " there were tears in the corners of her eyes then she hugged me I hugged her back drowning in her warmth she pulled Back and looked at me for a second " take care of yourself" she said and then she left.

The sound of the door closing was the last thing I heared before I was left for sounds of my thoughts I leaned against the door trying to catch my breath ' I didn't mean it I didn't mean any of it why did I do that' my chest tightened my breath coming out in sharp gasps and my heart was beating so fast I thought it was gonna come out of my chest I felt so nervous I hit myself on the head with my hand it wasn't enough

I stood up and tried to walk the room was spinning and everything felt like it was closing in on me I stumbled over to the bedroom and opened the drawer I took a roll of bandages I was hiding a razor in there I sat on the bed and took a deep breath then unwrapped the bandages on my left arm revealing a sea of old scars I haven't done self harm in a pretty long while I know it's bad and I shouldn't do it but it's the only thing that could calm me down right now

I've promised maria not to do it again and I didn't I never really break promises bec they mean a lot to me and even in this month since my mother's accident I haven't made a single cut even tho I was dieng to I always rememberd her face the way she cried when she discoverd I was doing self harm and that would stop me every time I wanted to do it but our fight was the last string and everything just exploded

I picked the razor up and felt the cold metal in my hand ' just a little one ' a lie that I always said to myself and with trembling hands I drew the blade across my skin and made several cuts felt the relief as the blood started to flow But the relief was always temporary I always felt so high before I was crushed with guilt of what I did the guilt of doing something as bad as hurting myself shame surrounded me from all sides I was never able to control the argues I controlled it for a while a pretty long one but as always I ended up relapsing falling back to the same dark spot that I always end up in but this time it was darker colder bec this time it was maria that I've lost the guilt of what I did was killing me so I rewrapped the bandages and put everything in place like nothing happened then I grabbed my cigarettes my notebook and pen and started writing .

I wish I wasn't always angry

I wish that volcano inside me would calm down and sleep

I wish I didn't burn every flower I wish I didn't turn every laugh into a weep

I wish I didn't destroy everything and then try to fix the broken glass

I wish I didn't feed them the poison of my words and then ask why they passed

I try so hard to keep it inside to control myself

but sometimes I get so overwhelmed that the words claw it's way out of my throat by itself

And then the guilt rises, burning through my soul

Leaving me with nothing but an aching throat and a heart with a hole.