LOVING A SEMINARIAN

CHAPTER XXX DEFINING PAIN

Sandali akong nakahinga but after a while naiiyak na naman ako.

I will die here. I need to go out to stay alive.

Masama ang magalit sa kapwa pero sa babaeng yon parang ang sarap pumatay.  Hindi lang siya ang tipong kaiinisan mo kundi siya yong klase ng babae na kahit wala pang ginagawa ang sarap ng himay himayin. God forgive me.

Pinilit kong maligo at magbihis. Kailangan ko ng hangin para manatiling buhay. Kahit man lang katawan ko nalang ang buhay.

Dapat akong lumabas pero saan nga ba ako pupunta? O the worst is may pupuntahan pa ba ako?

I saw my headset below the lampshade.  Part of me was smiling coz he was a part of it but another part was crying because I will remember him with it. I picked it up and put it on my phone. Start the music so it will be the only sound I would heard. Grabbing my bag, I went out to my door and face the world.

I'm thinking of going to the plaza to meet the kids but I know mas malulungkot lang ako. Then I remember the church but i wasn't sure either if I could face Him.

"What I am supposed to do when the best part of me is always you..Im falling to pieces ..Im falling to pieces.."

Break even. I'm break even. Napangiti ako ng mapait sa kanta habang palakad lakad na hindi alam kung saan pupunta. Gusto kong makalimutan kahit sandali ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Impossible man.

I'm not supposed to enter this place again. Its still his memory in here. But apparently napasok na rin ako at nakita ko nalang ang sarili kong pagala gala sa loob.

How an art define him. How an art lights him. How it molded him to someone he never know he could be. How an art makes me fall in love with him.

Ayan na naman ang sakit. Ayan na naman ang alaala ng mga larawang ginuhit niya. Mga mukha kong pumuno sa kuartong yon. How he captured my real emotions through his own unique senses. How his hand move into something real. Am I right to let go of all those memory?Am i right to choose the right thing but a wrong feeling? Would i ever be right?

I touch my chest, trying to ease the pain.

"Someone i never expect...an art fan huh?'

Napalingon ako and saw Jeff in there.

He looks pleasant on his suit.

"same to you?"

"I'm a painter,remember?"

Oo nga pala.

"then I'm a fan.."

Tumawa siya ng mahina.

"Cafe is close?"

I nod not looking at him.

"What happened?"

Tanong niya. Hindi ko alam kung ano ibig niyang sabihin . Kung may alam ba siya o sadyang magaling lang siyang manghula.

"what do you mean?"

"you're eyes is red..forgive me to say this but you looked inappropriate.."

he said guilty. Napangiti nalang ako. Ganun nga ba kahalata ang sakit sa puso ko.?

"Nothing ..it just Tatay will going to leave soon and I kind of couldn't accept it at this moment.."

"sorry for that ...I heard your story and I don't know what to say..".

"you don't need to say anything.."

sabi ko. Ilang paintings pa ang tiningnan namin. Walang salitang lumalabas sa bibig niya pati na rin sa akin . I feel little bit glad na nakita ko siya at nakausap pero I still have a longing to be alone.

"May alam kong videoke malapit dito. Masarap din ang pagkain nila don..you want to try? treat ko?"

Bigla niyang yaya. Ayoko. Gusto kong sabihin.

"It's okay kung busy ka.."

malungkot niyang dagdag.

"No..I think I have a time."

sagot ko na rin at agad siyang ngumiti. He called someone on his phone before he went back to me.

"so lets go?"

He said and offer his arm. Napatingin ako sa sandali sa kanya habang nag iisip kong hahawak ba ako. He pulled back apologetically and smile.

"sorry...ladies first. "

sabi niya nalang at nauna na nga akong lumabas ng pintuan.

The place is bit crowded outside but the private room he rented was sound proof. Theres a videoke and you can order food to be deliver inside. We ate first and after that he decided to start a sing along.

The song is good but I couldn't stop myself to laugh at his voice. He's more unsounded than mine. Terrible,I could say. Hindi ko mapigilang tumawa ng todo.  Para siyang sira na nagbibigay ng tono sa tula. Don't know why but I feel like he's the most funniest person in the world.

There's a change of song,  I was about to laugh again when I realize I already crying.

He's not singing the lyrics anymore but my eyes reading it.

I feel like i can't live without you...
I want you to stay...
I want you to stay...

And just an instance I burst out again. Crying  Sobbing . Like it is the only option for me. My knees were weak to still stand and my heart was sore to stop.

I feel Jeff arms envelopes me. Giving me a comfort he can offer. Trying to make me feel better until I can no longer hear his words. I faded. My soul gone. Though I'm aware that my eyes aren't open I don't have a force to move it. Right in that moment being gone in the world is my only way to survive.

Cause a thought of Tatay is going to leave me and Johann will be out of my life completely are like a murder to me.

It isn't about the pain anymore but a fear of being alone feeling it.

Authors note

Oh my Gosh. Writing this chapter makes me remember the tears in tje eyes of my friend while she's telling me her story. How her lips shook uttering each words. I almost cried with her too. Sadness

By the way my typos aren't perfect for now but I'll try to edit it when I'm done with the whole story. For those who watching out for an every update.. thank you so much. I love you all.

lynlyn22_3l