I've been here since last week. I haven't done anything except stay in this room. I only eat when someone tells me to. Before I stopped using my phone, I told Papa that if anyone looks for me, don't tell them I'm here.
Nag-message din ako kay Singkit. Ako na mismo ang nakipaghiwalay. Ayoko kasing marinig pa mula sa kanya na siya ang makikipag-break. Kasi alam kong hahabol lang ako kapag siya ang nauna.
I don't want to see them. I don't want to see any of them. Because I feel so sorry for myself. I don't want to talk to anyone because I'm so ashamed.
Pagkatapos ko siya i-message, isang linggo na rin akong hindi nagbubukas ng phone. Nagpapahinga lang ako mentally. Ngayon nandito ako sa labas para tumingin sa dagat.
The sea is near here, and every time I stare at it, I tear up.
I never even tried to open my phone, because I know that the moment I do and see a message from him, I'll cry again.
I don't know what he's doing now, how he is. Because I miss him so much. But the only thing in my head is the thought that he's completely forgotten about me.
I've been swallowed by all my "what ifs." My thoughts have eaten me alive to the point that even when I try to sleep, it still hurts—because I know he'll never forgive me. Because I know he believed all those posts.
Until now, I feel like I can't escape that situation—how the students look at me, how they whisper behind my back.
Even Baku, Liam and Klyde... I don't want to talk to them. Because I know their names got dragged into this too.
Now that I'm staring at the ocean, all I can think of is our first monthsary. Until now, I can still hear in my head what happened back when we were in La Union.
Our laughter and the way we played... how I used to splash water at him just to tease him while walking away. Even now, it still feels so good to remember those moments.
I wish I was still there in that moment. Because we were genuinely happy.
Happy because it was just the two of us. No judgmental world. Just pure, happy memories with him.
I was supposed to make him official. I was finally ready to tell Papa that he's my boyfriend—then everything fell apart.
My eyes are dry from all the crying. There's nothing more I can do. All I do now is stare at the ocean.
No one to talk to. Just my mind playing tricks on me, trying to imagine that Singkit is still here with me.
Even now, I'm still holding the ring he gave me. I still wear it. This is the only thing I have left of him.
Even though we're no longer together, I can't throw it away. Because this is the only thing I have to remind me of him.
Tinititigan ko lang talaga 'to... kasi yun lang naman ang kaya kong gawin. Gusto ko namang harapin yung problema, pero bakit ang hirap-hirap gawin?
Malakas yung hangin habang naka-upo ako sa buhangin, at nasa harap ko yung malalakas na alon ng dagat.
Kahit tumagal pa ako sa pagtitig sa singsing na 'to, alam kong hinding-hindi ako magsasawa.
Pinlano ko talaga 'to noon pa. Pero bakit ngayong hindi ko na nga siya pinaplano, saka pa nalaman ng lahat?
Ganon ba talaga ka-ilap ang mga magagandang bagay sakin? Ganon ba talaga ako kamalas para mangyari lahat ng 'to?
Can't I just be happy, even for once? Because most of my life, all I've felt is pain and sadness.
Now that I'm finally trying to catch up—finally trying to live after all the trials—why does it feel like it's not over yet? Why does it feel like I still have to go through all of this?
