vents

ranting vent.

⚠️This in no way shape or form is targeted to anybody, I am just saying how I feel.⚠️

I feel like there's no point to life anymore, I don't want to have children, I find it hard too love and when i finally love one person, I don't think they love me back. Infact, I don't think many people like me full stop. I'm the one to start conversations, I'm the one to keep them going, I'm the 'silly kid' role every group has and I love it, I do, I really do, but I hate being baby-ed because of it. I hate being viewed as 'They shouldn't worry about that..' I WANT TO KNOW. I want to help, why don't you trust me?? (Not targeted) and then when I look at my message board I rarely have a notification from anybody, a few people are busy, and I get that, but out of the 232 people who follow me... nobody really... cares too ask how I am? Or reach out, its not even them texting on my board just them, anybody, replying too me, I just want to feel like people care and I don't have to be the one to always reach out. I want to hold up relationships with people, I do, I really do, but I'm tired of putting all the effort in, some people here, this is DEFINITELY not you. Some people here I have known for ages and care truck loads about me.

Like am I not worthy of your attention?? Do you want me to get on my hands and knees and worship you like your a god? Should I bark like a dog while I'm at it??

And while I am happy for your attention if your just gonna leave one message after you see I'm sad and tired saying something like 'I really care about you!' Then never interact again... why? Does it make you feel some sort of pleasure?? Satisfaction maybe?? Knowing you did a 'good thing'??? Well no, now I'm clinging to your ankle like a freaking baby, it's not worth your time.

I don't feel real anymore. I feel like I've been coded and designed for a game I'm not even a main character in, I feel like im a NPC IN MY OWN LIFE. I'm tired of being treated like a tossable object. I don't understand why people think it's acceptable to hurt somebody then act like nothing happened. I'm so done with it. I'm so tired of it. It happens all the time. He calls me a disgusting pig, words don't affect me but the pure honesty you felt while saying it did. I think before I speak. I'm not easy to get through to anymore. I'm not easy to anger anymore but when I snap I'm going to go so fucking mental. Stop acting like were all pal like when you degrade me.

I don't want to do anything with my life anymore. I'm barely making it too the end of the week now. If I live too eighteen I'll be suprised. I doubt I will, but I'll be suprsied. I'm barely interacting with people I love and care for, and I'm worried if they see this they're going to worry, but they have every right to see this as much as anybody else does. They're already concerned.

Look. This is important. Before I finish ranting...

If anything goes wrong and I'm your usual go to, still come to me. I want you too.

Now, this isn't a note, this isn't to get you to help me, or talk to me, this is a 'I'm worried I'm not enough for my friends', if you think this is targeted too you, shut up, please.

If this was a note there would be a lot more name calling and apologies.

And the last thing is: I apologise for absolutely sounding enraged. I'm just really mad. And I needed to rant. I'm sorry.