The Winter Widow

Chapter 1

My name is Nadia Valeria Barnes. I like to go by Valeria though but Bucky calls me Val. I'm 26 years old. I was born in 2000. I'm 5'5 and last I checked is around 132 pounds. I live in New York City. I have red ish hair and blue eyes but I've recently dyed it blonde. I live alone.

I live ALONE.

So why the FUCK do I keep hearing voices?

Okay let's start again.

"My name is Nadia Valeria Barnes. I like to go by Valeria though but Bucky calls me Val. I'm 26 years old. I was born in 2000. I'm 5'5 and last I checked is around 132 pounds. I live in New York City. I have red ish hair and blue eyes but I've recently dyed it blonde." I whisper to myself

"And I live alone." I finish.

The voices don't stop though they keep going. I can't figure out what they're saying and I'm not sure I want to know. I can't hear them.. and yet they're so LOUD. I can't tune them out. They're always there.

Last year when I told my therapist about the voice and how the meditation was only making them worse she told me to tell myself things I know so that it would ground me. I know my name, I know my age, I know my height and weight, I know where I live. I know all of these things. So why isn't it working.

This is why I think therapy is fucking bullshit but Bucky said "Have an open mind." Or some bull shit like that. He acts like he's been my dad all my fucking life. We met when I was 20, and the only reason we met was because of the blip. If it weren't for the blip I'd still be in the Red room.

Ah yes the red room. Let's dig in to that shall we.

I was Hydra and The Red Room's little experiment. I'm the biological child of James Buchanan Barnes and Natalia Alianovna Romanova. Technically I'm a lab baby. They took Natalia eggs and James Sperm and put it in to an incubator type thing and a baby was born. While I was still in the womb they mutated my genetics a bit to make me perfect.

They wanted to see if the best two assassin's in the world could make the perfect baby. A super soldier and a widow. In short it did. For the most part. They did it to see if the super soldier serum could pass down and it didn't. When I turned 15 they injected some in to me and it was a success. They had a widow with the super soldier strength I was going to be perfect but then.

The blip happened. Everyone in the room turned on to dust. I waited for 2 days in that awful cold mental room but no one came. That's when I left the hydra base for the first time that wasn't for a mission. The word was terrifying; and for the first time I had thought's of my own, Ideas, and regrets.

God there so many regrets. I regret everything I've ever done. All the people I've killed. All the people I've hurt or crippled. They didn't deserve it. Non of them did. Especially.. Vanya.

Vanya.

My friend, sister, world. Everything that I regret leads to her.

Vanya Alina Volkov.

Vanya and I grew up together. We did everything together. Played together, drew together, fought together. Everything. The only bad thing about it was that every time I would win a fight Hydra would do horrible things to her. They would wipe her memory, torture her, use one of the infinity stone on her, mutate her. To 'give her a will to fight.' That bullshit.

One time I last a fight on purpose and they did that to me. I never lost a fight again. But me and Vanya shared a conjoined room so at night I would hear her screams.

One day Vanya came to me begging me to lose this fight so that she would have a night to sleep and I agreed. Neither of us knew that people were listening. We were so stupid.

That day we fought; and I won. They dragged her away screaming and crying I can still remember the 'You promised Nadia! You promised me!' But after that day I never saw her again.

When I think back on these memories I need to remember that I was just a child myself. I can't blame myself I should blame the people in charge. I was only 13.

I think back on it everyday.. I can't remember her face. I can remember her voice, her brown hair, her cries, but her face? It's a complete mystery. If I saw her today I wouldn't recognize her. She would probably recognize me...