Triggering topics ; SH , Suicide mentioned
(These are warnings.)
Lately I've been feeling worse, I can't really talk to anyone or else I'll be told I'm 'faking' or I'll get sent to a mental hospital, I just want help, But nobody fucking listens.. It hurts when the one you love just plays everything off like it never happened, I don't wanna be the person who messages others because ’I did it again’.. The only reason I'm a few months clean is because I genuinely couldn't find my razor.
But he genuinely doesn't fucking care for me anymore, I'm getting ignored, They have no interest in me, I think they're faking their feelings, I can feel them slowly fading away from me..It hurts because I can't cry about it or self-soothe(s/h), It hurts that I'm by way to many people to hurt myself, They'll all call me out to the adults, And I'll get scolded.. I never get fucking help, I've been asking for therapy so I DIDN'T do it, For THREE FUCKING YEARS. I didn't get fucking SHIT. I'm sick of it atp, I'm going to pull the same shit my cousin did, But guess what! I'll get told off for doing it for attention like my cousin did. i fucking hate my life and I've made it clear to everyone. ’But you have it easy!’ okay, Cutting myself because I feel like shit and it's the only thing that helps is easy! The constant thoughts of stabbing myself when I'm by a knife is easy! IT'S FUCKING ANNOYING BECAUSE NOBODY UNDERSTANDS?? I'm going insane. Lexie doesn't listen, Kaydence is only worried about herself, And Astro already knows all my problems and I don't want to keep bothering her with my vents because she's the only one that helps me. I can't take this anymore. I'm scared of men, I'm scared of everything, I dislike physical touch, But nobody cares that it genuinely makes me uncomfortable when I'm touched, I have a horrible body image and I constantly feel fat, I hate showing people my stomach because of how fucking fat I feel, I hate eating, I hate the taste, The feel, Everything about it makes me sick and makes me feel guilty, I used to starve myself to be skinny because I kept getting fat shamed, It got worse after my grandma died because she was my fucking favorite person on this earth, Then my cat and dog died a year later, I genuinely hurt. I remember the first time I genuinely felt loved and it got taken away immediately after I got confident. I feel horrible.. ’I love you!’ no you don't, You're lying. ’Things will get better!’ no, They won't. ’I'll stay, I'm always going to be here for you and love you, No matter what!’ Will you really? That's what I was told by three of my exes who genuinely hurt me, It's a lie. You're going to hurt me too, I know it.
My brain won't let me love normally, I can't love without being obsessed, Even murderous and jealous of others they talk to, And I can't feel loved without it being fake, And when I finally let go of those thoughts, They become real. I'm over it at this point.. :(
