RANDOMS

The worlds still turns

I sit by the window with my knees pulled to my chest and my forehead resting against the glass. The sky outside is that soft, washed-out gray that makes everything look quieter than it really is. People pass on the street below, talking, laughing, living—like the world didn't fall apart two weeks ago. Like it never even noticed.

I haven't cried today. That's something, I guess. Progress, maybe. Or maybe just empty.

There's a mug in my hand. The coffee went cold hours ago, but I keep holding it. It's his mug—the one with the chipped handle and the faded mountains. He used to say it made the coffee taste better. I'd roll my eyes every time, but now I'd give anything to hear him say something that ridiculous again.

My thumb traces the rim.

It's strange, the things that outlast people. Mugs. T-shirts. Grocery lists in someone's handwriting. I found one tucked in the bottom of his jacket pocket last night: milk, apples, you. I don't know what he meant by it, but I stared at it for so long I forgot how to breathe.

And I keep thinking about how people say love is everything. That it saves us, defines us, echoes after we're gone.

But it didn't save him.

And it's not enough to stop the silence in this room from swallowing me whole.

No matter how kind you are, how much you love, or how hard you fight it—one day, you'll still be gone, and the world will keep turning like you were never here.

I say it out loud. A whisper. A truth I've been trying to outrun. But it sits in my chest like a stone.

He was good. God, he was good. He made pancakes every Wednesday, even though he always burned the first batch. He remembered my mom's birthday, even after she forgot his name. He kissed me like I was a promise.

And still. He's gone.

Just gone.

I tilt my head back and look up at the ceiling, like maybe I'll find something there. A sign. A crack in the sky. A reason.

But there's nothing. Just the sound of the world outside going on like it always does.

Without him.
Without us.

And I don't know how to keep up.

BABOOM
BINGBONG
BYEEEE

-El