Diary Entries

The beginning, the middle, the end

"In that moment everything I thought I knew about how  to be loved by someone was replaced by this boy who said he didn't want a relationship, hadn't seen one for himself in the near future but loved me like it was the only thing he'd ever wanted his whole life"

"He loved so quickly and deeply that I don't know how I didn't see it before. The way she talked about knowing him, how they were similar. How he said he understood her, knew how she felt. I could never hate her for loving him because she was what he needed at that moment, when he felt like he was losing himself in trying to love me she was loving him. He stopped caring that I forgot to update him through the day because she was doing that for him. He'd tell me to rest more or have a good day and then wouldn't talk for hours because they were in constant communication. She picked him up when he felt broken and like he couldn't talk to me. She reassured him when he was tired and emotional and couldn't tell me. She loved him, was in love with him. And I was fighting an internal battle with myself every day not to lose him... not knowing the whole time I'd already lost him. And in the end he broke us both."

"There's a tiny piece of my heart that hates who he turned out to be... behind all the I love yous and you're mine and the dreams he talked of our life together there were other girls, other I love yous, other I'm in love with yous, other spoken words and relationships and futures that he dreamed of with other people that made the things he said to me seem meaningless. And I can't blame him because I lied, I'd broken his trust so many times, and by the time I realised how in love I was with him and the heart that I knew he had deep down it was too late. It was too late to show him the other piece of my heart that will always hold the dreams of us, the memories of watching him game with his friends, watching him drive and berating him for no seatbelt, blowing kisses and funny faces, the way my entire body would light up listening to him laugh, the peace I felt watching him sleep, how much I dreamed of feeling his breath against my skin and running my hands through his hair as he slept"