Life After Rehab ✓

[Chapter Twenty-Five] Where He Loses His Way

"Are you fucking kidding me? You ask to come back let me get you off and then fucking leave?" she asked

"Yes, it was a mistake Kimberly."

"You're such an asshole." She was pissed and I don't particularly blame her because it was a dick move

"Yeah, tell me something I don't know." I pulled my shirt on. "Isn't that what made this work before, the face that you're a bitch who loves being smacked around and I was the asshole who didn't mind doing it?" I have actually hit her before.

I was choking her and she asked me to slap her and I did, I felt uneasy about it but she told me to hit her harder and so I did, I choked her with one hand, slapped her with the other while I called her a bitch and it got her off and that wasn't what I wanted.

"It can still work Julian." She stood up and I held my hand out telling her to stop.

"No. I love Bailey and even though she's never going to forgive me for this I still won't stoop back to this."

"Your relationship is over Julian, but that doesn't mean you have to be alone. Come back to bed." She wrapped her arms around me and I pushed her off of me

"Don't fucking touch me." I turned and I left with her yelling at me that I was a di ck and now here I am, alone in my apartment, Bailey's ring and necklace sitting on my dresser and crying in the shower because I just fucked up my whole life.

I didn't want what I had with Kimberly, where I hurt her to get off, where the harder I hit her the more she enjoyed it. I wanted Bailey. I wanted to marry her and enjoy every moment with her. She would have been so shy and nervous and I would have taken the time to take care of her, so explore all the places I hadn't really seen, to watch her reactions, to physically show her how much I loved her but I ruined my life as I knew it with that one final decision; going back to her apartment.

I gave up over a year of being sober tonight; I just lost all that I've worked for. I've lost my mother and my family because of my actions last night and I've lost the most important thing in the world to me, she just walked out that door and she wasn't coming back.

She wouldn't be here in the morning to surprise me with breakfast, she wouldn't come to set with me again, she wouldn't come over and steal my coffee, she wouldn't be moving in with me. I'll never get to touch her again or kiss her, talk to her or hear her laugh.

I was as good as dead to her after what I did and I just wished I could fix it. I was angry, angry with myself and when I saw my reflection I smashed my fist into it. The mirror broke and there were particles of glass in my bloody fist and I felt nothing.

The broken glass made it look like there was a hundred of me so I punched it again and again until I ripped the mirror off and smashed it. There was blood pouring from my knuckles and I still didn't feel it or care.

I grabbed tweezers and picked out the glass piece by piece and poured peroxide over it before bandaging it. I should probably go to the hospital but instead I got dressed and went the store and bought my first bottle of alcohol in almost two years and on my way home I made a call.

"Julian."

"Jackson." I acknowledged.

"What do you want from me, word is it you're clean and sober." It sounded like a taunt but I didn't care.

"Be at my place in thirty minutes and I'll throw in an extra hundred bucks." I told him and he laughed and I still didn't care.

"Alright. See you in less than a half hour." And he hung up. I walked up my building and let them know someone would be coming by and to let him up before I cleaned up my bathroom and cracked open the bottle of jack.

I took a swig straight from the bottle and it burned as it went down so I took another one relishing in the feel of it.

I give up, I have nothing else. All the fucking money in the world doesn't mean anything when my mother hates me, my sister and niece are dead, when my brother is, well my brother, when my cousin looks at me like she's ashamed of me, my girlfriend, the person I loved most in this world, left me and when I knew my friends would turn on me because they adored her.

I fucked it all up and I just wanted it to stop hurting.

I wanted to undo what I did.

I wanted to take back how my mom found out about Sarah.

I wanted to un see the devastation on Bailey's face when she understood what I had done.

I wanted to take back her walking out of that door and I wanted her back in my arms.

But none of that was going to happen so I drank until I heard a knock on my door and he was right on time. Well if I'm going to fuck up my life may as well go big and now I had nothing to stop me. I was going to make a line and when I get that first taste of it again I'll call Kimberly and have her come over so we can finish what we started because I don't fucking care anymore, hell maybe I won't even wait for the drugs.

She was gone and there was nothing stopping me from fucking her tonight, she would come over, I knew she would and hell maybe I'll take her to Bailey's apartment instead. I took a last drink before going to the door for my cocaine, an old friend I was glad to welcome back.