Lost and Found

...and I asked the Lord, "Why me?"

I've gone astray with all the constant battles that somewhere along the line I lost my strength. I lost my will to fight. There's a reason why I'm going through this battle, but I just wish I knew why.

My energy levels are at its lowest and I wish I can get it all back. Maybe I should stop wishing and start praying?

How do you pray for something when it feels so irrelevant? There's people with much worse problems than mine. So how is it even fair of me to ask for help? Is it unfair, Lord?

My wellbeing is not just important to me, but also to the little one you entrusted to me. How do I take care of her if I can't even take care of myself? It's not fair to a child to be in the care of someone who seems so lost.

I'm lost. I lost myself and don't know who I am anymore. Please, tell me it's fair of me to ask You to guide me back home, to the path that is meant for me. Help me be who my daughter needs me to be.

I'm trying to get to know You more. Through You I know I'll find myself again, but the journey seems so stretched out. Wish I can find myself sooner. I pray for it. I pray. I'm finally praying.

Forgive me for even considering turning back to ash on my own terms. It's just so hard and it feels like I'm building everything on sand. Can I rebuild my foundation on solid ground? Will You be that solid ground for me, Lord?

I'm losing weight quicker and quicker. My body is weak. I'm parched. I'm hungry. Not for food or water, but for You, Lord. Can this be considered as fasting? And not starvation?

Lord, I'm so tired.
Mentally.
Physically.
Emotionally.
Spiritually.
I need You.
So much, Lord.

Please, help me open my eyes.
I know there's so much to be thankful for, and I am just that.
But I want to be found.

I don't like being at the verge of tears each and every moment.

You answered so many prayers of mine before and I want to know if it's unfair of me to ask You to answer some more?

I have someone that forces me to keep my head above water. Thank you for that.

But, Lord, please come find me.
I don't want to be completely gone.
I don't want to be lost.
I don't want to be sad.

I want to be at peace.
Help me, Lord.

I hope it's not unfair of me to ask that.
I need You.

Amen.