Amnesia

Him

I sat up in my bed, my knees up against my chest, tears running down my face. Isn't it strange how someone who had no right reason to hurt you, did it anyways and it makes you end up asking yourself, 'Why wasn't I good enough?' and 'Where did I go wrong?' 

How could someone be so cruel?

I did whatever I could for him, I loved him when I couldn't even love myself.. but he still chose her. It felt as if my heart was physically breaking into tiny pieces; my whole world was crashing down before my eyes. My thoughts were consuming me and the worst part about it is, I don't know how to handle it. How to stop the tears.

I couldn't take seeing them together.

After I had shed every tear inside of me, I get up and turn my phone back on. I had no messages and the ones that were sending wouldn't deliver. I check Instagram and Snapchat, realizing he had blocked me on everything. It's now currently 3 am, and I couldn't stop myself from looking back at old photos and messages, knowing all it was doing was hurting me more.

The next day, I didn't go to school. When I woke up, my eyes were puffy and my face displayed a light shade of red. For awhile I just laid there, looking up at my ceiling. I wanted to cry but I had cried all the tears I could the night before, not to mention I didn't want to move. I physically was just, drained. All the willpower I had was lost.

 It wasn't until about 2pm when I finally got up and decided to take a shower. I checked my phone once more, hoping for at least some indication that he is either unhappy or maybe.. just maybe, a text back. But when I looked down at my phone all I felt was disappointment. The only messages I had were my friends asking me "Who broke up with who?" and "Are you okay?".

To be completely honest with you, I wanted the pain to go away and for this to all just be a big nightmare. I wanted him to come back and save me. But instead of saying that I responded with a short, "I'm okay." It's my first heartbreak, of course they know I'm lying. I just don't want to talk about it..I don't even want to think about it anymore.

Before him, I was the quiet, shy girl nobody ever really knew but heard of. I didn't really have friends other than Kirsten and Courtney. Eventually Courtney got a boyfriend and Kirsten had to move schools for some personal reasons. He was the cool kid, the guy every girl wanted to be with because he was something new. Yet, he wanted to be with me. He spent a year and a half of his life with me. He took my virginity from me, and I know that's why it's so much harder to let go. 

Not to mention, I had met him I was going through a lot with my mom and my dad. It was my 8th grade year and it had been decided that I was more than likely going to be living with my dad until I graduate. Not that I didn't love my dad, but being a teenager going into high school that lives in a household who only tolerated her because they had too, without her mom, was a lot. 

Two years before that I was going back and forth from my mom's and my dad's because my mom developed some habits and it was hard for me to leave her. Then finally, they agreed that I should stay with him because my mom no longer wanted me to see her in that dark place. Which ultimately I understood.. It just sucked for me. I felt entirely alone.. As if it were me against the world. Nobody really had my side nor did I get any recognition for, well, absolutely anything. 

On top of all of that, my dad was constantly yelling at me, even if I hadn't done anything wrong. It made me question a lot of my worth and changed the way I viewed myself.. I actually saw a post that said, "Women raise their voices because they feel like they aren't being listened to. Men raise their voices when they feel like they aren't being obeyed.", and after I saw that it got me thinking, if you knew my dad full heartedly you would know how relevant it was to my situation. I started to stand up for myself and what I believed in, which made my dad and I argue quite often. I couldn't exactly tell you what the arguments were about or what they established, but the more I stayed at my dad's the more I wanted my mom. Or just somebody to save me from this storm.