1989's Perspective
I was gazing out the window, listening to the sound of the rain tapping against the framed glass, looking at how the streetlights and buildings lit up the streets of New York, trying to distract that gnawing feeling in my head
"Nine?" "Nine you alright?" Mid snapped me put of my thoughts
"Huh? Yeah im fine" i picked up the fork again and i picked at the food in front of me
"You haven't eaten anything" she said quietly and placed her hand on mine
Those words seemed like nothing much on the surface but i knew it held much more meaning. More trauma.
"im just not that hungry today" i lied. I don't know why i did, it was like my old muscle memory was coming back to haunt me, even though i knew she could see right through me
"can you Atleast take a few bites for me baby? Please?" Mid pleaded
Usually the voice in my head would tell me the same thing over and over"Take one bite, its just one bite, then another, then another" playing like a recording on a loop
but today, the voice wasnt the same, it was sharper, crueler.
"one bite will ruin everything."
"you're disgusting. you let yourself go."
"you're gonna lose everything if you take that bite"
My throat started to burn and my eyes started to blur
I pulled at the collar of my shirt, that had seemed to get tighter so i felt suffocated and trapped,
it was like a battle i wouldn't win,
a shadow i couldn't escape,
a puzzle that lost its last piece.
The cracks keep growing even though i try so, so hard to hold myself together.
"Nine" mid called out once more, again pulling me out of my trance "please." I looked at her face and it was filled with pain and desperation
I couldn't fight the tears anymore "im sorry" i said as i buried my face in my hands
"Im- im so so fucking sorry." I sobbed
I heard the chair scrape against the wooden tiled floor and an arm wrapped around me
"I dont know what happened— i was doing so well, for so long, and- and now its like im drowning again" i managed to say out loud between sobs and i could hear midnights start to sniffle
I hate this.
I hate myself.
I hate that i make her feel like this.
I hate that i feel like this.
It was just food. But it didn't feel like that. It felt like failure, it felt like shame.
I felt so ungrateful. Ungrateful for being like this. For being an issue. A problem. She made this meal for me and im not appreciating it, she made this meal and im here crying over it.
why am i like this
"you're not drowning baby." She took both my hands in hers "You will never drown while im here"
"But- you dont get it mid! You cant save me. You cant stop this. im broken" my voice started to break towards the end
I felt her hands clench into fists as she heard what i said "dont say that. Never say that about yourself."
"I mean it mid." I told her "you shouldn't be here, you shouldn't even be with me right now, you shouldn't have to be with someone that ruins every meal, that ruins everything."
"Stop it." She sternly and she reached to hold me in her embrace "Just stop."
"I hate myself so much midnights" i cried into her chest "and i dont know how to stop"
"I love you." She said, but her voice raw "i love you but i dont know how to fix this"
I shook my head "no one does."
After awhile, i reached out to grab the fork again and i tried to take a bite
I brought the fork to my lips as my hand trembled and my tears flowed
"You can do it baby, ill always be here."
I looked into her blue eyes and it gave me the push i needed
I dont know of this shadow ever goes away, but all i know is she would always be there every step of the way.
Hey guys haven't posted in abit but im here now!!!!! idk what was goimg on here but maybe i just had a bad day and i decided to drag u guys along with me. Anywahs love u 💞✌️
