Between Heartbeats

In the Shadows

The sound of the final bell was ringing sharp and loud in my ears, it felt both like a victory and defeat. For years, I had imagined this very moment, I wanted to get out of this school and out of this town as quickly as possible, I couldn't stand it. I stood by my locker, heart pounding in my chest as students rushed past, laughter echoing in the hallways. I should be celebrating, I was finally graduating. After all those years of suffering in this school and town, it felt like it hadn't amounted to anything. I hadn't gotten into any of my dream colleges, and the weight of that realization crushed me.

As I leaned against the cool metal of my locker, I took a deep breath, trying to steady the whirlwind of emotions inside me. I had spent years dreaming of the Ivy League, I thought I was good enough for them, and for a long time, I was, until Sophomore year, when my entire life turned inside out, and I became good for nothing. All that remains of me now is a jack of all trades, master of none.

"Hey, Audrey!" A voice called out, breaking through my thoughts. It was Mia, my best friend, bounding toward me with an infectious smile. "You coming to the graduation party tonight?"

I forced a smile, feeling the familiar pull of self-doubt creeping in. "I'm not sure. I don't really feel like celebrating."

I met Mia during freshman year, and it all started with when I overheard her talking about her favorite bands, and I realized we shared the same taste in music. I turned back around and joined the conversation, and from that moment on, we were inseparable.

Mia had always been my rock, standing by me when everything felt like it was falling apart. Yet, I never found the courage to tell her what I was really going through. I felt a lot of guilt for keeping my struggles hidden, like I was holding her at arm's length. The truth was, I'd rather stay silent than say things out loud, I'm a coward. Sometimes, it felt easier to hide away in my own world, even if that meant carrying the weight alone.

Mia's voice snaps me out of my thoughts, her head tilted, concern etched on her face. "You have to! It's a huge milestone. Besides, we need to let loose before summer starts!"

As Mia chatted on about plans and outfits, I felt my mind drifting. I couldn't shake the feeling of being left behind while everyone else stepped confidently into their futures. I was the girl who blended into the background, the one who watched from the sidelines, always wishing I could join in. I don't know what is peculiar about me, but I could just never reach out to people, in any way, it's almost as if there's an invisible wall that separates me from the rest of the world. Like there's a party at my house and everyone's invited but me, and I'm upstairs, observing them all but not allowed to participate.

With a sigh, I closed my locker and tried to shake off the gloom. "I guess I'll see how I feel later, I'll text you" I said, offering a half-hearted smile.

Mia tugs on my arm playfully and flashed me the most determined smile I had ever seen, "Audrey, please, I'm really excited to go and if you won't be there then it won't be fun, I won't let you hide in your room forever, remember how when we first met you begged me to teach you how to talk to people and to push you out of your comfort zone, well I am going to do exactly that, buckle up bitch, we're going to the graduation party looking all hot and unbothered"

I couldn't help but chuckle at her determination, even if a part of me still wanted to retreat into my shell. "Okay, okay, I'll come with you, but I beg of you to don't leave my side, you know I never know what to do with my hands around people, or with my entire body as a matter of fact" I said while I joined both my hands in front of her, almost as if praying to her to be my guardian angel.

Mia grins, "Well you know me, I'm an angel" she says as she cartoonishly bats her eyes. She gets all excited and squeals, "Girl, we need to get you ready ASAP!"

I say, "I'll just wear the new black top I got and my favorite Burberry jacket, uh huh"

Mia puts a hand above her chest, acting as if I offended her, "Don't even, shush" she says as she puts her finger on my lips, "Do you even know who's going to be at this party?! Aaron Jones, YOUR Aaron Jones"

My pupils dilate hearing that name, almost like a scene of a movie, the imaginary camera pans to my face, zooms in and flashback begins in my mind. Aaron Jones, first day of Calculus, Junior year, I was trying my best to focus on the class when suddenly my eyes wander off to the human form of Adonis himself, Aaron Jones, he had the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen, eyes that were staring right back at me, I still blush thinking about it. Soon enough, that had become our little secret game. He'd stare at me when I wasn't looking and would look away when our eyes would meet, and vice versa.

In those entire two years, he had talked to me 5 times! Can you believe it?! 5 DAMN TIMES, and every time I think about them, I get butterflies in my stomach, that anticipation, that yearning, I think what we have is skinny love, you know the one where people are too shy to confess the feelings that are so obviously around them.

The first time he talked to me was in Chemistry lab, he had an entirely different lab seat which had everything, but you know what?! He walked right towards me! Put his test tube on the Bunsen burner right next to where my burner was, and he smiled and said something, though I wasn't able to hear it over the ringing in my head.

The second time was when he asked me if I was interested in joining the basketball team, he could've asked anyone, right? But he asked me! He even smiled, I really didn't know what to say, I just smiled and said no, goddammit what was I even thinking, should've said yes, ugh stupid brain, too late now.

The third time was when he made a joke during class and looked at me right after to see if I laughed, it made my heart beat race, I did laugh, it was hilarious, but I can't remember it now, he blushed too, his cheeks were red, he was trying to make me laugh.

The fourth time was when he asked me if I played Call of Duty, of course I lied and said yes which led him to asking me a favor to get him the game as well, I remember I spent the entire night trying to pirate the game for him and I successfully did! He smiled so widely when I gave him the pen drive with the game on it. He could barely utter a thank you to me, he was so shy.

The fifth time was monumental to our sizzling chemistry. We had literature class together, and I was giving my book report presentation. I was always confident about my literature class, knowing my presentation was the best in class. However, I was really nervous about it, slightly shaking the entire time. However, the teacher loved it and when I got back to my seat, Aaron turned around and told me I did really well and that I impressed him. He took out his hand from his pocket and gestured it towards me, are you listening?! He asked me to shake his hand and right when I was about to, he chucked embarrassingly and took out his handkerchief and apologized. He told me he had palmar hyperhidrosis, wiped his hands and then shook my hand, his hands were so cold and his gesture was so sweet. It made me feel special. I later came back and googled what it meant, it turns out it's a condition of excessively sweaty palms or hands but who cares, all I can think of is the bright red on taking over his cheeks when we shook hands.

I just know he is as infatuated with me as I am with him. He's just too shy to say anything. I spiral deeper into my thoughts, just as I was about to convince myself of his feelings, I was jolted back to reality when Mia's fingers snapped in front of my face, snapping me out of my daydream. She smiles slyly, "Were you having another one of those Aaron montages? Huh?" she tickles me slightly, forcing me to wiggle around and laugh. "God, stop it Mia, I swear I wasn't!"

Mia crosses her hands over her chest and looks at me up and down and says, "Really? Can't even lie properly, it's written all over your face, you were daydreaming about him, right? God, look at you giggling and blushing. Let's get you ready for your Prince Charming, Cinderella." She says as she grabs my hand and drags me along with her.