right now // harry styles

chapter 1

in a world where you can do anything, I always find myself wanting more. more adventure and creativity and love and passion. I can't just have one I have to have all of them. and that's all I really wanted was a life filled with just that. but it never really worked out that way.

I was always the girl who fantasized about finding that one person, the one person where everything just clicked and you knew that. you just knew that they were your person. that person just never showed up for me.

for a long time all I wanted was to have someone where I was always comfortable and smiling. I wasn't ever self conscious like I was with other people. I wanted someone to make me feel safe because I didn't feel that way with everyone else.

I always had this kind of social anxiety inside of me. I knew it was there but it wasn't until I got older that I figured out what it was.

I got self conscious constantly in social situations, analyzing every word I spoke and every word anyone else spoke. I couldn't control it. Sometimes I would just stop talking all together. I hadn't found anyone that could help me all anyone did was make me more self conscious. I hated that about myself. I hate being insecure all the time.

school was the biggest challenge, making it through every day without screaming in frustration. don't get me wrong I was good at school, I was a straight A student and I was 2 years ahead in math. if all I had to do was go to class, I would manage. but all the people with their classifications, standards and straight up rudeness just fucked me up. how am I supposed to understand everything and manage at the same time. sometimes I felt like everything would just collapse on top of me. all of the stress would just crush me all at once and like that I would be gone, easy.

at that point I started seeing a psychiatrist. she was nice. I felt normal around her because their was never silence, silence is what kills me. she felt like a friend and I liked talking to her. part of me felt guilty for liking seeing her so much, not many people from my school even need help like that.    $$ but then we couldn't afford it, so I started to see her every couple months instead. it was hard, I had all these feelings inside about people and school and my dad. I couldn't unload to anyone, if I did I'd be just obnoxious and that's even worse than being ignored.

so this is where I am left, the summer before my senior year, sitting in a psychiatrist office. it was my 3rd session of the year. I was actually looking forward to it like most visits.
for once I felt, confident.