Stability.

May 9th, 2015

Hello.

This is my first time writing in a journal, like, ever. It's supposed to help me get out all of the feelings that I usually bottle up, that I usually try to keep to myself. I don't think it's going to help at all.

I'm not going to tell you my name because that doesn't really matter. The only person that will ever read this journal is my therapist (hey Carol), and she knows me.

The only rule that I have is that I'm not allowed to specifically talk about what happened last March.

Apparently it will upset me and when I get upset everyone starts to worry, and apparently it will just be easier if I don't talk about what I did last March. Now I don't know if I believe that, I feel that maybe it would be easier for me to talk about what happened, but I'll follow the rules for now.

I'm supposed to write in here every day but I doubt that's going to happen. I can't even remember to take my meds unless someone else reminds me, I don't think I'll be able to remember to write in a stupid journal today all on my own.

I know that this is meant to help me and everything but I honestly don't see how me writing in here is going to do anything.

Like, let's say one day I feel kind of sad. I can write about being sad in the journal, but then what? I'll probably still be sad when I'm all done, it's not going to help me feel any better.

I don't know, maybe I'm just stubborn.

I've always been like this, especially when I was a little kid. My mom said that I never wanted help from anyone else, if I didn't know how to do something I would figure it out on my own. She used to be so proud of me, she said that I was such a smart baby.

Maybe she still is proud of me, I don't know. I just feel like such a burden to her now, especially after what I did last March. She always tells me that I'm not, but I can tell that I cause her way too much stress now. I used to be so much better.

(Am I talking about it too much? I know that the rule was not to specifically talk about it, so is this alright? I won't mention exactly what happened. Okay?)

I guess I should talk a little about what I did today. That was something that my therapist suggested.

I woke up this morning, actually it was around noon, and had a piece of toast for breakfast. My mom reminded me to take my medication so I did, and then I walked to my therapy session. My mom picked me up when it was over and took me out to lunch even though I wasn't very hungry.

Then I went with her to pick up my suit for the wedding. My mom's getting married again. I feel pretty neutral about the whole thing, but I guess I can talk more about this at a different time.

When we got back home I went to my room and fell asleep for a few hours. I sleep a lot. My mom woke me up just a little while ago when she brought some dinner to eat in my room. She knows that I don't like to go downstairs, especially when her fiancé and his son are there.

Now here I am, I finally decided to pick up this journal and write something. I guess I kind of like it, I mean, I still don't think it's going to work, but I like writing. When I still went to school I always enjoyed writing, I guess it's one of the few things I'm actually good at.

So I just fell asleep for three hours and then woke up again. It's 1 am now. It was kind of funny, I woke up and I was using the journal as a pillow and now there's ink smudged all over my cheek.

Yeah, so as I was saying, I don't think this journal thing is going to be too bad. I'm probably only going to have to keep it up for a little while, and then they'll decide that I'm okay again and I don't need it. I can probably handle that.

I've only been away for about 10 minutes and I'm already feeling really tired again, so I think I'll go take the rest of my medication and then call it a night. I have to get up early tomorrow to help my mom with more wedding stuff, anyway.

I guess this was a pretty good start to this journal, right? I'm doing a good job, right? Let me know, Carol.