Private life | Lando Norris

22 - Everything Goes Of The Rails

A bit of a warning, slight mention of eating disorder and panic attacks. Happy reading!

Lando

I hated losing. 

It always felt like I was beginning suffocated by everything and everyone when I did. The world would become a fiery mess with me unfortunately in the centre of it. Everything was my fault. The walls are to close. Why are they this close? I need air. Thoughts swirl in my head, creating a vortex of hatred towards my helpless brain. The voice tortures me.

That fucking wall couldn't have come up faster. You're a terrible driver. Rookie mistake trusting the curb that much. You don't deserve your seat. Give it up for somebody that is better than you. 

Fuck. 

The walls of my room are closing in fast. And the problem is, I can't seem to stop them. Shit, where did all the air go? I look down to see my hands have started shaking. Stand up. No no I can't breathe, please let me breathe, I need to breathe. I can't see the wall. Where's the wall? 

Your pathetic. 

Lando, stop it. 

You're a failure. 

Stop. 

Your disgusting 

Please stop. 

You'll never win again. 

"I said STOP!" my hands go to my head and I squeeze as hard as I can, desperate to stop the words. I rock back and forth, trying to soothe myself like I did as a boy. A pathetic little boy, who couldn't tell numbers from words. Who couldn't win his father's approval even if he tried. I needed to breathe, but the air was gone and I was,

drowning. 

I pinched my skin, trying to bring myself back. "Harder." I whispered in panted breathes. The pain soothed me, a blanket of cold over my blazing skin. "Again." my words choked out. My nails dig into my skin and I look down to see I had drawn blood. 

"Ah, fuck." The tears were now running down my face in fast, hot rivers, never seeming to stop or want to stop. 

"Lando." A distant bang sends my head turning to the door. 

"Lando, you okay mate?" the same voice, as concerned as the first shout. 

Shit, I need to get up before they see me slobbering on the floor like a fucking child. I shake my head, trying to see the world a bit clearer. The tears are clouding my vision, but I can just make out the door and the handle. 

Come on Lando, up you come. Get the door and act presentable. Like you couldn't when you were little. 

I cling onto the chair arms and pull myself upwards from the floor, trying to gain balance. My legs shaking as I take weary steps forward. I open the door to see a blurry face staring back at me. I look down.

"Yeah?" 

"Lando, what the actually fuck are you doing?" Will's voice is heavy and filled with disappointment. 

You are a disappointment. 

"Um, just cooling down after the race." My voice seems to stay strong but I keep my eyes trained on the floor. 

"Okay, well Zak-" His voice trails off and I look up to see him staring at the puncture mark on my palm from my nails and blood welling up to the surface. "Lando... what are- are you okay?" 

"Peachy." I pull my fireproof down to cover the mark. "I'll be out in a second." I slam the door shut and immediately screw my eyes tight. Alcohol. I need a drink.