Circles ━ Evan Buckley

009: TOO SWEET (FOR ME)

She knows that she's being unfair, is the thing. Indiana knows that Athena was well within her rights to set her up with Buck- Indiana had asked her to. She knows that Athena is allowed to ask her questions about her blooming relationship with Buck- she set them up, it's allowed.

Even then, Indiana isn't sure what the 'all' she's referring to is. She doesn't know if it's the erratic beating of her heart when Buck is around, or if it's the way her palms get sweaty when he ducks his head and smiles at something she says. She's not sure if it's the inevitable heartbreak that she's going to be faced with when the end eventually does come- when Buck finally decides he's had enough of pretending, when he wants something more than what Indiana can offer him.

Indiana might have told Buck that she wasn't ready for anything past friendship, but her heart doesn't seem to possess the same rationality as her brain.

"Stuck my nose in it, did I?" Athena questions, mocks, breaking Indiana from her stupor. "Me helping you, that's sticking my nose in it? Trying to stop you from embarrassing yourself, making sure you didn't walk into that damn wedding with your tail between your legs, that's what you call sticking my nose in it?"

Before, the room had been basked in the afterglow of the sun, dipping below the horizon as the day slipped away from them. It seems that the sun has taken all of the pleasantries that they usually afford each other with it.

Maybe Indiana can blame the moon, for what she says next.

Or she can blame the wine.

"You think you know what's best for me," Indiana spits, the venom in her tone catching even her off guard. "You think you can tell me what to do, but you can't. I'm a grown woman, Athena, and Buck is a grown man. He can handle himself."

Athena has witnessed enough of Indiana's emotionally charged meltdowns to last her a lifetime, so if the words affect her at all, she doesn't let it show. Indiana's chest rises and falls with every forceful breath that she takes, her grip so tight on the glass that she's surprised the stem hasn't splintered in her hand.

Instead, she takes a steadying deep breath, and says, "I don't want to see anyone get hurt. You both deserve better than this."

Indiana knows this. Rationally, she knows that Athena only wants what is best for the people she loves. For her, that's Indiana. For Bobby, that's Buck. Athena loves Bobby. It's a conflict of interest. There's no way for both of them to get out of this unscathed.

It's fake now, all pretend kisses and pet names, but Indiana has read romance books, she's seen Love, Rosie- she knows this only ends one way. Eventually, one of them develops unrequited feelings for the other and their friendship is damaged beyond repair.

It only ends in heartbreak.

"I'm so scared," Indiana confesses, her throat raw. The fight has left her body, now, and every word she says feels like it's sandpaper. "I don't want to be alone forever, Athena. What if this is as good as it gets? What if this is the best I'll get to have and I just... let it go?"

"It's not," Athena insists. "You and Buck, you have the potential to have something special. You might not be ready for it yet, but it's there, and it's waiting for you. It'll still be there when you're ready."

"And if I'm never ready?" Indiana questions, terrified of the answer as soon as the words leave her mouth. "I can't do this to him, Athena. He deserves better than someone who can't so much as think about a future with him without having an emotional meltdown. I can't put that on him."

Athena stands up, crossing the room to kneel in front of Indiana, prying the glass from her hand. She cups the younger girls face in her hands, chasing away a stray tear with the pad of her finger. "You aren't alone in this, Indiana. You don't have to do this on your own."

Indiana goes to choke out a reply, when her phone buzzes on the table. Once, twice, three times. Buck's contact photo fills the screen. She would think of it like a bad omen, if the sight of his face didn't make her smile.

Athena's frown deepens, and like she can feel the sob that escapes Indiana's throat before it comes, she tugs her into her arms and catches the tears right as they begin to fall.

"You'll be alright," Athena whispers into her hair, rocking them side to side. "Everything will work itself out."

And god, if Indiana doesn't pray that's the truth.

authors note

very indiana heavy chapter here, buck will be back next time, but these will happen every now and then and i want us all to be aware of that. but also she's a complicated woman with complicated feelings and she is going to contradict herself constantly- she is just like me. she is going to deflect questions and change the topic and do anything she can do avoid thinking about the consequences of her own actions- just deal with it ok it'll all work out. let women be liars and have crushes on hot men in peace!!!!

anywhooooo hope u are all enjoying xx

- ines <3