renee rapp one-shots

you're losing me.

the clock on the wall ticked relentlessly, each passing second a painful reminder of the distance that had grown between us. renee and i had been together for six months now, our love a beacon of light in the midst of the chaos that surrounded us. but lately, that light seemed to be dimming, overshadowed by the weight of our conflicting priorities.

as i sat in our living room, the echoes of our argument still ringing in my ears, i couldn't help but feel a sense of desolation wash over me. renee's career had always been demanding, her days filled with endless rehearsals, interviews, and studio sessions. and while i had always been supportive of her dreams, lately it felt like i was fading into the background, an afterthought in the whirlwind of her success. the more the world got to love her the more of her they took from me. every talk show appearance was a dinner at home sat alone. every added concert date was another lonely night in bed. 

it felt as though i was in a one sided relationship, she was in love with them, everyone else in the world, everyone who cheered for her, everyone who loved her, except the person at home, the person who she used to play every song for first, who she used to ramble about her dreams to.

i had tried to talk to her about it, to express my concerns and fears, but each time i brought it up, she brushed it off with a smile and a promise to make things right. she told me that's "it's finally happening!" elated that her career was taking off. but promises were empty without action, and i couldn't shake the feeling that we were undeniably drifting further and further apart with each passing day.

tonight was supposed to be different. we had set aside time for a much-needed date night, a chance for us to reconnect and rediscover the spark that had drawn us together in the first place. but as the hours ticked by and renee failed to return home, my hopes began to fade, replaced by a gnawing sense of disappointment and resentment.

when she finally stumbled through the door at 1 am, her eyes bloodshot and weary, i could feel the anger bubbling up inside me, threatening to boil over at any moment. but before i could say anything, she froze in the doorway, her gaze meeting mine with a mixture of guilt and exhaustion.

"fuck babe i'm sorry," she whispered, her voice barely above a whisper. "i lost track of time at the studio, and I..."

but her words fell on deaf ears as the pent-up frustration and hurt finally erupted within me. "sorry isn't enough, renee, you're losing me " i snapped, my voice laced with bitterness. "we had plans, remember? a date night that you conveniently forgot about." 

she jumps slightly at my raised voice, i never yell, i've never yelled at her, i don't think she even really knew it was something i was capable of.

renee's shoulders sagged, a flicker of pain crossing her features. "i know, i know baby. i messed up, okay? but can't we just..."

but I couldn't bear to hear any more excuses, couldn't stand the thought of pretending like everything was okay when it clearly wasn't. with a heavy heart, i rose from my seat, my gaze meeting hers for the last time.

"i can't do this anymore," i whispered in a defeated tone, the words tasting like ash on my tongue. "i need more than empty promises and late-night apologies. i need... i need someone who's willing to fight for me."

and with that, i turned and walked away, leaving her shattered in the living room, i head directly to the bedroom and begin haphazardly throwing my essential clothes into a suitcase, trying not to sob as i realise most of my 'essential' clothes are ones which i've stolen from renee over the years, i always preferred her clothes, i found her scent comforting on the increasingly frequent late nights where i lay in our bed alone.

i exit the bedroom, making a b line straight for the door when i spot her. she's on the couch, tears streaming down her face as her eyes meet mine, they switch between the suitcase in my hand and my face. i nearly choke on my tears as my gaze meets hers for last time, with my foot already half out the door. she begins to shake her head as her tears continue to fall.

"y/n please, don't do this please, i need you, you know that, i'm nothing without you." she pleads, her tone shaky and insecure, nothing like the girl you thought that you knew. 

"i'm sorry y/n i know i've been so shitty recently, and i'm never here and i- i just i get why you feel what you do, just please dont do this y/n please, its irrational and stupid, i need you" she exclaims, now practically begging continuously fiddling with her rings at her anxiety of the situation.

i pause for a moment as the silence settles in the apartment, i nearly drop my bag and run to her, she'd hold me in her arms and i'd sob and she'd promise to change. but we've been there before and look where it led us, this is something i have to do, for me, for her even.

i shake my head and with a shaky lip and trembling hands i pull the doorknob, turning to leave,

"call me one day, if you- i dont know? if you change or whatever." i say solemnly with a wave of my hand, my mascara undoubtably ruined but it doesn't seem to matter when i see the look upon her face of pure horror desbelief, as this violent reality check suddenly brings her to the consequences of her own actions. i choke back tears when i hear her letting out broken sobs behind the door

as i stepped out into the corridor, the weight of my decision settling over me like a suffocating blanket, i couldn't help but wonder if i had made the right choice.

three years we had been together, for the first couple she was my everything, our friends were jealous of our love for each other, she'd write me songs in the dark of our room at 3am, we'd binge tv shows together and she always got mad when i skipped ahead without her. i'd cook and she'd bake, that was always how it was, one time we tried switching roles and we ended up having to just order a takeout. that's one of my favourite memories. but in the past year that all faded, she looked the same of course, she had the same laugh, i just heard it far less, our apartment became dark without her, i began to just cook meals for one. our friends began asking me if we were okay with pitying eyes. she became plastered on every billboard in nyc, everywhere she went lined with paparazzi, and she was ecstatic, of course she was, it's all she'd ever wanted, who was i to take that from her? i should be happy really, everyone gets to see how amazing she is, how funny and beautiful and disgustingly talented she is, they all get to have her, and i'm left without her. selfishly, i find myself holding that against her as i leave the building complex.

with almost comedic timing my eyes lock with hers across the street, a large calvin klein billboard situated directly in my eyeline. i remember the day she got that deal, a while ago, when we were still almost okay, she called me screaming, i was so happy for her, it was her first big partnership, she called everyone she knew, we went out on a date at this fancy french place, she told the waiters, everyone and anyone she could. i just watched her amusedly with a laugh.

deep down, i knew that sometimes, love wasn't enough to mend what was broken. and we were so drastically broken, shattered, discarded into nothing, and as the tears streamed down my cheeks, mingling with the rain that fell from the darkened sky, i knew that this was one battle i couldn't win. i had a horrible fear that she was someone i'd never get over, that i'd see her face everywhere i went, i'd never get away from her.

i could stand her, in this desolate nyc street at two in the morning and curse her out, list a million reasons why she was terrible, how she hurt me, tell every drunk stranger i passed about it, vandalise her billboards that seemed to multiply with each corner i turned. but it wouldn't change anything, i still loved her, i still have to deal with that. 

the end :(   this one's a little angsty sorry, i love to write it.