ODE TO THE MURDERED, bonten

48

    "they hurt you." his hand is firm around your own.

    you shake your head. "they found out."

    "i know." Hanma combs his fingers through your hair. "...i heard about what happened from Imaushi."

Wakasa. the name sends a wave of panic through your whole chest, and Hanma is quick to see the change in your demeanor.

"you okay?"

"...do you know what happened to him and Kakucho?"

you are met with Hanma's reluctant silence, "we've been chasing after a criminal syndicate for the longest time, you already know what happens to people like them when they disobey."

you hated it, how your chest ached so painfully at the thought. "unfair." you stress through a weak voice.

    you turn away from Hanma to gather your thoughts. your chest cannot help but ache so badly and fuck—tears are threatening to spill from your eyes just at the thought of Wakasa or Kakucho, and the thought that those two will be hurt because of you. it's always because of you.

    you want to cry.

    you gasp softly, chest tightening suddenly as the panic chokes your throat.

"hey." you hear Hanma call out from your side when he sees the barest of reaction from you. he proceeds to reach out and run his hand up and down your arm, to ground you to reality—to keep you with him and away from your unmerciful thoughts.

"darling." Hanma's talking to you. "stay with me. i've got you, okay? they won't die, they're gonna be alright—"

you're not paying attention to him.

    apprehension bleeds through your veins and you're getting light-headed.

    something's wrong.

    it's happening again, you can't breathe and your eyes are spinning, unfocused. you cannot tell who's in the room now, your heart is racing and your head is dizzy; it's your fault they're getting hurt. it's your fault Mars and Uncle Mamoru are dead. it's your fault for Marise's demise. Hanma, Senju and Ryusei almost died because of you. Ran's pained expression because you lied. you lie and hurt—a walking fucking catastrophe.

you vaguely feel someone firmly grab your arms, pulling you to a chest, ears pressed up against their erratic heartbeat. they hold their hand on your head, keeping you safe, tucking you away from the world.

    breathe, you remind yourself. in, out, in then out.

    slowly, your heart calms itself. your vision steadies and your ears are open to the voices surrounding you. you shift your gaze to see Hanma leaned close to you, his eyes brimming with worry. beside him was Senju, her lips tugged in a frown, then you recognize the person holding you close,

you pull away to look up at Ryusei's dark eyes, light hair—like a shade of salmon against the fluorescent lights—he rubs his thumb against your hair when he sees you finally responding.

his lips flatten. "you okay?"

"yeah, sorry."